Deep within the 2,700-page infrastructure bill currently weaving its way through the North Carolina Senate, there’s an item that may brighten your December.
On page 2,699 of the bill, there’s a rider added by Rep. Chris Humphrey of District 12 that would make it a Class I misdemeanor for radio stations, retail stores, or coworkers to play Christmas music before Dec 1.
“I love Christmas music,” Humphrey said on Wednesday. “The first album I ever owned was Christmas with The Chipmunks. Later on, I heard Mahalia Jackson’s recording of ‘It Came Upon A Midnight Clear’ and mailed copies to everyone I knew and their kin. However, there is nothing more annoying than hearing a Christmas song while shopping for Halloween candy, and it just confuses the children. Last year my neighbor’s little boy tried to slide down our chimney for a Snicker’s bar.”
A study conducted by the Ktel Institute proves that playing Christmas music too early produces more Scrooges than Joy Behar’s baby pictures, but there are other factors.
“It’s a little-known fact that most record executives with the major labels are mentally unstable,” said Michael Gagliano of 343 Records. “The guilt of pushing garbage year after year to an unsuspecting music-buying public takes quite a toll. How else can you explain the existence of Christmas albums by Justin Bieber, RuPaul, and Seth McFarlane? Bob Dylan’s Christmas album is so bad that the FCC has deemed it a weapon of mass destruction.”
“People who dislike Christmas music just haven’t heard the right stuff,” says veteran music critic Jon Hughes. “If you just sit back and listen to whatever the radio stations are paid off to play, your ears are going to tense up tighter than Mel Gibson and Jeremiah Wright at a Hanukkah mixer. A great place to start would be Phil Spector’s A Christmas Gift For You and go from there. If you accidentally hear any Christmas music by the likes of Florida Georgia Line or Mariah Carey, intentionally stub your toe to trick your brain into thinking you didn’t hear it.”
Humphrey’s Christmas music rider also takes into account those who complain about Christmas music during the month of December.
“Anyone complaining about hearing Christmas music during December just needs to get over it,” Humphrey said. “The current version of the bill would treat this offense as a low-level misdemeanor with a $10 fine for the first offense. Those who are ticketed for this offense twice within the same month will face a mandatory 24 hours in jail or have to attend a Transiberian Orchestra concert. According to our focus groups, most people would choose the jail time.”
While this Christmas music rider has created a storm of controversy, one facet of Humphrey’s proposal has received bipartisan support.
“Any radio station caught playing ‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ will face an FCC fine of $100,000 or their general manager will be required to attend a Transiberian Orchestra concert,” Humphrey said. “Our focus groups have determined that most general managers would rather pay the fine.”
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