Jon Dawson: Belichick to replace Davis as UNC basketball coach

When told the news, Stephen A. Smith reportedly swallowed his own face during a taping of his Loudest Jackass podcast.

Jon Dawson: La Grange lottery customer goes on crime spree

“Although I detest hooliganism, I admired her gusto.”

“I didn’t have all day, so as soon as I had a clear shot I took him down.”

“You mean the warm kind?”

“Every time I see a beautiful sunset or a demolition derby, I’m reminded of them.”

“I haven’t watched an NFL game since Tom Landry wore a Kangol.”

“At some point, I figured people would wake up and stop buying my terrible, terrible music, and I was just preparing for that day.”

If my pending patent for no-stick lip balm comes through, I may have enough dough to spring for a few pizzas.

“I’m tired of my friends ending up in the emergency room with their lips stapled together.”

One second everybody in the band was asleep in their bunks, the next they were shoulder-rolling down Vernon Avenue.