“For the record, I have always been pro-cornbread.”
“I’ve already had the likeness of Bryan Hanks tattooed on the bellies of my four dogs, which makes sense because the dogs and Hanks both like having their tummies scratched.”
“I have it narrowed down to you and seven other guys.”
George Lucas believes new series will make original Star Wars “look like a kindergarten art project”.
The man could riff like Charlie Parker, turning any situation or conversation into a mild masterpiece.
Our grandparents made it through the Great Depression, so even the most delicate and entitled among us should be able to handle a wobbly table without calling in the National Guard.
Grandma ate Cheetos with a fork.
“I poured him a Tab and we sat at the kitchen table and talked it out.”
The call to customer service was less successful than Kanye West’s Oak Ridge Boys audition.
The emergency bill is expected to be on the president’s desk by Friday.