Usually people shop at Walmart for groceries, prescriptions, and clothes.  Additionally, depending on which portion of the parking lot you frequent after 10 p.m., you can also purchase nose candy, moon rocks, horse, and jazz cabbage.

When Delia Derbyshire entered the Kinston Walmart last Thursday she intended on purchasing a baby monitor.

“Being eight and a half months pregnant I had everything I needed except a baby monitor,” Derbyshire said. “I was pretty focused on finding this thing until I encountered…The Greeter.”

“The Greeter” is the moniker bestowed upon legendary Kinston Walmart greeter Ethel Merman. 

“Ethel has become a fixture of our store,” said Kinston Walmart manager Norma Desmond. “Some people think she’s loud; I say she’s joyously boisterous. I mean, who doesn’t love encountering a jovial employee when they’re entering or leaving a store?”

“Jovial? I’m all for jovial,” Derbyshire said. “But this woman has a voice that could run Darth Vader up a tree.”

As the very pregnant Derbyshire entered the Kinston Walmart last Thursday, she was greeted/accosted by The Greeter.

“She walked up to me and bellowed ‘HELLO HOW ARE YOU TODAY!? IT’S A WONDERFUL DAY HERE AT WALMART!” and it scared the baby right out of me. My water broke on the spot; she was so loud my husband’s water also broke.” 

Along with having a voice that sounds like a cross between Pavorotti and an F-16, Merman The Greeter is also a trained medical professional.

“She was a great neonatal nurse but had to give it up because if she so much as whispered it would wake up every baby on the floor,” Desmond said. “Those poor infants were cramming pacifiers in their ears.”

After Derbyshire’s water broke it became evident that there was no time to get her to a hospital, mainly because Merman’s voice was causing the contractions to speed up. This is when Merman’s medical training kicked in.

“I GRABBED SOME BEDDING AND TRIED TO MAKE MRS. DERBYSHIRE AS COMFORTABLE AS I COULD,” Merman said from 200 feet away. “WE HAD A PALLET OF EXPIRED MT. DEW OUT BACK, AND MOST PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THAT AFTER IT EXPIRES IT TURNS INTO A MILD HALLUCINOGEN. ON SATURDAY NIGHTS THE STOCK GUYS THROW BACK A COUPLE OF THOSE AND START DANCING WITH THE PIONEER WOMAN CARDBOARD DISPLAYS. ANYWAY, I PUT MRS. DERBYSHIRE ON A MT. DEW DRIP AND GRABBED A CATCHER’S MIT FROM SPORTING GOODS.”

“I appreciate that she was trying to help me,” said Derbyshire. “But I wonder if it was wise of her to keep checking customer’s receipts while the baby was crowning.”

Thankfully, Walmart now has a self-service sonogram kiosk in the pharmacy.

“WE TOOK A PICTURE OF THE BABY JUST BEFORE SHE ARRIVED AND FOR SOME REASON SHE HAD HER LITTLE FINGERS STUCK IN HER EARS,” said Merman The Greeter from 200 feet away. “AFTER SHE WAS BORN I STARTED TALKING TO HER AND SHE TRIED TO GET HER TOES IN THERE TOO!”

With mother and child comfortably resting on a display mattress, an impromptu baby shower was organized in the adjoining Subway near the Walmart lobby. Derbyshire and her daughter Misophonia were treated to a platter of turkey, roast beef, and ear plugs.

“Sadly my husband missed the birth,” Derbyshire said. “He was stuck in the one checkout lane with a cashier. We are confident he will be out before the christening.”

For anyone wishing to send a gift, the Derbyshires are registered at Target.

Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com.

Jon Dawson’s music is available at www.343Collective.com.