“You’ve never seen someone slim down so fast; sometimes before they even make it out of the room.
Husband injured during domestic dispute over luggage.
“Each store will feature a milking station with a Guernsey dairy cow.”
Three children were found hiding in a chimney.
“No matter how many gallons of vitamins, Botox or penguin venom you ingest, rust never sleeps.”
“There are three kinds of people in this world: those who are good at math and those who aren’t.”
“For the record, I have always been pro-cornbread.”
Our grandparents made it through the Great Depression, so even the most delicate and entitled among us should be able to handle a wobbly table without calling in the National Guard.
Grandma ate Cheetos with a fork.
The emergency bill is expected to be on the president’s desk by Friday.