Washington D.C. – On Monday lawmakers on both sides of the aisle rushed through legislation that allows companies such as Pfizer to ramp up production of a new drug that protects against disruptive outbursts during graduation ceremonies.

“Many members of the House and Senate attended graduation ceremonies over the weekend,” said Tom Cavanaugh of the magazine Capitol Hill Review. “They were so aggravated by the boorish behavior of the crowds that they convened a special midnight session to get the ball rolling early.”

The bill is currently on the president’s desk awaiting signature.

“If this thing goes through, people attending graduations in the future will have to show proof of anit-outburst vaccination to enter the building,” Cavanaugh said. “Of course, this will cause controversy, but the Center for Disease Control is worried that the outburst virus could become the next pandemic.”

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Joe Franklin, 85, is a supporter of the anti-outburst vaccine legislation.

“I drove two hours to see my grandbaby graduate on Saturday,” Franklin said. “There were so many dunderpates yelling out stuff that I couldn’t hear her name when it was called. I did not put on a clean shirt, put in my weekend teeth, and drive two hours to listen to some blockhead yell like his gallbladder had busted. Whoever was doing the yelling, I hope a gnat divebombs their ear for about two hours tonight while he’s trying to go to sleep.”

Penelope Danvers, 36, is against the anti-vaccine legislation.

“It’s morally wrong to force me to take a drug that forces me to act like I have some sense,” Danvers said. “America is supposed to stand for freedom, and I believe I have the freedom to act like a total nimrod even if it annoys everyone else. Inconsiderate, self-centered people have just as many rights as kind and considerate people.”

The so-called Nimrod-19 virus is believed to have originated in a comedy club in China.

“The first confirmed case of Nimrod-19 was traced back to the Wuhan Chuckle Bucket,” said Cohen Jons of The Weekly Virus. “During Shecky Green’s set, the infected audience member kept yelling out nonsensical, idiotic catchphrases and making the ‘whoop’ noise for reasons researchers, law enforcement or clergy have yet to establish.”

This is a developing story. Keep checking www.Bucklesberry.com for updates.

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