Jon Dawson: Stop leaving the house in your pajamas

“The scratching sound generated by people not picking up their feet confuses the birds and interrupts their migration.”

Jon Dawson: Two injured at adult-themed haunted house

“These boys showed up thinking ‘adult’ meant they’d be chased around by zombie strippers or something,” Burroughs said on Monday.

Sometimes life gets serious, and this is one of those instances.

“We’re not going to have any Lot Lizards roaming around out here.”

“I couldn’t figure out why two people who don’t work at night needed so many blackout curtains.”

Representatives from the Americana Cable Network asked if I’d be interested in having a show based on my real life.

Paramedics made their way to the parent behind me who yelled himself into a coma.

“I tried to feed one of them, but it apparently mistook my arm for an after-dinner mint and went to town.”

Whenever a hen would stop producing eggs, he’d leave an old golf ball in its nest.

She’ll be finishing her four-year degree at E.C.U., majoring in bagpiping