In this file photo from 1996, Bryan Hanks celebrates his 60th birthday at the Flying Saucer in Raleigh. / Photo by Jon Dawson

In a Bucklesberry Gazette exclusive, multiple sources are confirming that the upcoming Bryan Hanks wedding (bride’s name withheld at the family’s request) has been canceled.

“Bryan Hanks’ fiance (name withheld at the fiance’s request) had an optometrist appointment last week,” said Jonathan Massey of the Bryan Hanks Radio Show. “I knew nothing good would come of it, so I popped a big bowl of popcorn and got comfortable in my chair.”

(Editor’s note: For any of our readers in or from Wilkes County, an optometrist is an eye doctor.)

When Hanks’ fiance came home with her new glasses, she was eager to show them to her husband-to-be. Sadly, upon seeing Bryan for the first time with perfect vision, she canceled the wedding, hitchhiked to Burning Man, and changed her name to Yelnik McWawa.

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“When she told us who she was getting married to I sensed the new glasses would cause a problem,” said Dr. Marcel Petiot of the Schadenfreude Eye Care Center in Kinston. “One of my colleagues suggested we render the fiance’s prescription a tad off so her vision would still be partly cloudy, but that idea was deemed unethical. I wish to send my sincerest condolences to Mr. Hanks. Also, I’d like to congratulate the fiance’s family for dodging what looks like a prehistoric bullet.”

“Bryan Hanks is a nice guy but he makes Jon Dawson look like a Calvin Klien model,” said Jacques Passailaigue of Goeco Office Solutions. “Every time Hanks comes down to the office the smoke alarm goes off.”

Friends sensed trouble after reading the couple’s online gift registry.

“I couldn’t figure out why two people who don’t work at night needed so many blackout curtains,” said Hanks’ radio colleague Richard Clark. “But when I heard his fiance’ got a new pair of glasses it made sense. Indiana Jones would have to look away from that.”

Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com.

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston and 960TheBull.com daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the 252ESPN.com stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m. The entire archive of shows can be found at www.BryanHanks.com.