A young patient at Dollar General Hospital reaches for gluten-free penicillin. / Photo courtesy of Facebook.

Like dandelion spores after a hurricane, Dollar General stores are landing all over Kinston. 

“Yesterday I walked out of a Dollar General with some snacks and somehow ended up in a different Dollar General before making it to my car,” said local palmist Janet Sutton. “If nothing else they’re using property that otherwise might fall into the hands of Starbucks. I’ll take a $4 bag of Cheesetoes over an $8 cup of bean juice any day.”

Just over the Lenoir County/Wayne County line, a new Dollar General Market (grocery store) has just opened. A new Dollar General fried chicken restaurant/taxidermy/tanning salon is rumored to be moving into the Jenny Lind Store building in Bucklesberry. Additionally, land transfer records indicate a Dollar General Motors plans to start selling lightly used vehicles in the old Beef Barn lot on US 70 across from Ruby Tuesday.

“It’s the beatenist thing I’ve ever seen,” said Ashley Mills, owner/operator of Mills VCR Repair in Kinston. “My entire business model is based on people refusing to embrace new technology after they turn 45. Netflix and such don’t scare me because we have a large elderly population that would sooner eat a pine cone than try to navigate a streaming service. 

But these infernal Dollar General stores sell DVDs for cheap, and I mean the good stuff like those Clint Eastwood movies with the monkey. Those $3 DVDs are inspiring people to learn late 1990s technology, which is killing my bottom line. If this store goes under all I’ll have to rely on is my beeper business.”

Two out of two Tax Deductions recommend Blizzard Building Supply, located at 405 Walston Avenue, Kinston.

Most shocking of all is the news that broke late yesterday as the Bucklesberry Gazette was going to press. In a statement, Dollar General Corporation announced the opening of its first hospital, which is to be located in Kinston beside Wendy’s on US 70.

“No longer will people have to pay double digits for quality health care in Kinston,” said Dr. Shiro Ishii of Dollar General Hospital. “Our weekly flyer will contain coupons for surgeries, exams, and emergency room visits. Our September special is buy one biopsy, get one at 50% off.”

Patients are encouraged to bring their own tongue depressors, surgical gowns, linens, pillows, and thermometers.

Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com.

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston and 960TheBull.com daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the 252ESPN.com stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m. The entire archive of shows can be found at www.BryanHanks.com.