Bryan Hanks (left) and Richard Clark (right) at the North Carolina Press Association Awards (yes, it used to be an industry). Photo courtesy of the NCPA.

Radio host Bryan Hanks and newspaper editor Richard Clark are getting married. Not to each other, mind you, but wouldn’t those be some pretty puppies if they did?

This was originally going to be part three of my Bryan Hanks vacation coverage. Last week he ended up in Alaska making squirrel jerky with Sara Palin, but something happened that interrupted our normally scheduled programming.

I don’t know if it was a full moon, Mercury retrograde or the return of the McRib sammich, but something caused Bryan’s girlfriend (name withheld to protect her identity) to accept his proposal of MARRIAGE! Within 24hrs, Richard Clark’s girlfriend (name withheld to protect her identity) accepted Richard’s proposal of MARRIAGE!

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It’s not something I’d like to admit, but I’m sure it’ll be mentioned in court sometime in the near future: I knew both of these proposals were forthcoming. Yes, I’m ashamed, but I did nothing to stop either engagement from happening. 

To his credit, before Hanks and his better half went on vacation, my radio cohort Jonathan Massey did tell Bryan’s girlfriend that she “didn’t have to say yes to anything Bryan suggested” if she didn’t want to. Sadly, she laughed his suggestion off.

“Dawson has given Bryan’s girlfriend literature from Amnesty International for years, hoping it would give her the courage to seek help,” Massey said on Friday. “As for Richard’s girlfriend, it’s obviously a case of Patty Hearst Syndrome.”

Before beginning a career in the newspaper industry (yes, it used to be an industry), Richard Clark was a struggling actor, making ends meet as a towel boy at Studio54 in New York City. Having made brief but memorable appearances as customer #4 on an episode of What’s Happening? and as “The Gooch” on a very special Diff’rent Strokes, Clark left the glitz of Hollywood behind for a career in journalism that resulted in the third largest collection of Ramen Noodle coupons in United States history.

Before ruling the airwaves as the captain of the Bryan Hanks Radio Show, Hanks also spent years in the newspaper industry (yes, it used to be an industry). His early years covering 4-H sewing competitions were lean, but his transition to sports writer and eventually publisher yielded many awards and no less than four restraining orders from the cast of The Golden Girls.

While Hanks’ and Clark’s backgrounds in journalism and the seedy underworld of counterfeit My Little Pony action figures is well documented, no one seems to know how either of them convinced seemingly sane, well-adjusted women into marrying them.

“I’ve met both of the women and I don’t understand how it happened,” said Jonathan Massey. “Bryan and Richard have both had to sneak up on glasses of water since Jimmy Carter was in office. Of course, both women wear glasses, but Ray Charles could look at these dudes and tell there were a few chromosomes that made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

This is a developing story. Stay tuned to the Bucklesberry Gazette for updates. 

Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com.

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston and 960TheBull.com daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the 252ESPN.com stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m. The entire archive of shows can be found at www.BryanHanks.com.