When UNC basketball coach Roy Williams announced his retirement last week it sent shockwaves through the sports world. For several days after Coach Williams’ press conference, emergency rooms across North Carolina reported record numbers of thumb injuries from internet sports experts.
“These older guys got all juiced up over the news of Roy’s retirement and took to Twitter,” said Dr. Gene Sutton of La Grange Memorial Hospital. “Middle-aged thumbs are not able to withstand a sustained, multi-day Tweeting spree. I tell all of my patients they should sit back and let the younger generation handle the Twittersphere, but they all believe their opinions are too important not to be shared. I keep telling them that if they don’t lay off they’ll never hitchhike again, but they just ask me to tape it up so they can reenter the fray.”
Earlier this week former UNC basketball great and longtime Roy Williams assistant Hubert Davis was named the Tar Heel’s new coach. Long-time UNC mega-fan Greg Cauley of Kinston was very happy with the announcement.
“Hubert’s a great guy and he’s paid his dues,” Cauley said. “I’m glad they chose someone from the UNC family. He played for Dean Smith and has worked with Roy Williams for nine years. I think Coach Davis is going to do a great job.”
While Cauley expresses the views of many in Tar Heel Nation, there is a small, noisy contingent who are already calling for Hubert Davis to resign.
“Coach Davis has been at the helm for three days and they haven’t won one game,” said veteran internet sports troll Patch Wimmers. “If he can’t win games he needs to go.”
Wimmers was equally critical of Roy Williams during his tenure as head coach and wrote several letters to the editor stating that Dean Smith’s famous “Four Corners” offense would be more effective if it were actually seven corners and utilized a flamethrower.
“I was blogging day and night that Williams should have been fired after his first year as head coach at UNC,” Wimmers said on Tuesday. “I thought he relied too much on man-to-man defense and he saved timeouts like they were war bonds. If I was the coach I’d call a time out every 90 seconds. Just think of how much rest your players would get.”
While Wimmers has the respect of many fellow bloggers (a few of which are rumored to be Wimmers himself under an assumed name), he has never coached or played an organized sport or sustained a lasting relationship not based on an hourly rate.
“I was the team manager for the volleyball team in high school for one day,” Wimmers stated with pride. “They cut me from the team because I kept telling the coach he was running the wrong drills in practice. Also, my total lack of coordination caused me to impale myself on my scorer’s pencil 12 times during one game.”
When it’s pointed out to Wimmers that Roy Williams led the Tar Heels to three National Championships (plus the one a deranged referee stole from them against Villanova in 2016), Wimmers lets out an exaggerated sigh/eye-roll combination of Liz Lemon proportions.
“Yeah but he should’ve won at least 10 or 12 National Championships,” Wimmers said while firing off a diatribe to the head office of a local grocery chain who sold him a can of spray cheese that was empty after covering only 147 crackers. “These people who think winning a handful of championships don’t know anything about life. That kid Grayson Allen that played for Duke a few years ago – he cared about winning. He’d kick a puppy into the Grand Canyon if he thought it would get him to the free-throw line.”
“What Wimmers and many other internet sports trolls may not know that basketball season is over,” said Junious Smith III of ENCMoments.com. “It’s common for laptop warriors to grab onto an opinion with absolutely no facts to back it up.”
“Just because there are no games currently being played is no excuse for Davis not to be winning them,” Wimmers said. “If he can’t win in April, how is he going to win when the competition gets tough in November?”
While Wimmers continues to spread his self-described genius by commenting on the social media posts of friends, foes, and strangers alike, Greg Cauley is planning to see every upcoming UNC home basketball game.
“I’ve been going to all of the Tar Heel’s home games for a few decades now,” Cauley said. “It’s usually pretty late when I get home, and I actually pass Patch Wimmer’s shack on the way home. You can see his silhouette generated by the glow of his computer screen as it bounces off a Billy Packer poster on his wall. Bless his heart.”
Jon Dawson’s books available at www.JonDawson.com.