Ever since actor/Fresh Prince Will Smith smacked the breakfast out of Chris Rock during the 94th Oscar Awards Ceremony, social media has been overrun with unsolicited opinions from unqualified pundits who normally couldn’t butter toast without a manual.
“I was out of line and I was wrong,” Smith said in a statement. “I am embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be.”
In an effort to get his life back on track, Smith has hired a La Grange doctor who is famous for counseling the rich and famous.
“My first client back in 1978 was Waylon Jennings,” said Dr. Paulette Burroughs of La Grange. “His fans were accustomed to country music anthems such as Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys, but Waylon caught disco fever. He was going to trade in his cowboy boots and blue jeans for a leisure suit and a gold medallion.”
At the time of Waylon Jennings’ breakdown, Burroughs was his housekeeper. In an interview with Wounded Sandwich Magazine in 1997, Burroughs revealed that Jennings’ natural singing voice was high like that of Bee Gee Barry Gibb.
“We had to slow the tape down during mixing to make people think Waylon had a deep voice,” said veteran Texas record producer Ken Mansfield. “Not many people know this, but Waylon Jennings was the original lead singer in the Chipmunks. He made Barry Gibb sound like Barry White.”
“When I saw him walk through the living room one afternoon dressed like a Bee Gee I hollered as if someone had bitten me,” Burroughs said. “I usually have to pay extra for that, so you can imagine my shock.”
Burrough’s reaction to Jennings’ attire caused him to rethink his new direction.
“I poured him a Tab and we sat at the kitchen table and talked it out,” Burroughs said. “From that day forward he referred to me as Dr. Burroughs.”
As Burroughs was packing for her sojourn to the Will & Jada Smith compound in California, she said a tough-love stance would be the best way to handle the situation.
“I’ve seen every episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air at least a dozen times,” Burroughs said. “And Will Smith was great in Six Degrees of Separation and Men In Black, but you can’t go around slapping comedians, at least not when there are witnesses around.”
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Burroughs says she has reached out to Chris Rock to help her rehabilitate Will Smith.
“What I propose is that Chris Rock should be allowed to smack Will Smith once for every bad Will Smith movie,” Burroughs said. “After Earth, Wild Wild West, Suicide Squad – those three films alone warrant the man being Chris Browned for the better part of an afternoon.”
Physicians, clergy, and four out of five dentists wholeheartedly disagree with Burroughs plan of action.
“Outside of an Associate’s Degree in Bagpiping the woman has no training,” said Dr. Phil Goode of the Mayo Clinic. “She believes a scalpel is a type of dandruff treatment.”
Dr. William Haber of the Lathe Institute is the only practicing physician interviewed for this story who did not immediately dismiss Burroughs’ methods.
“While her methods are not optimal, the only thing some people understand is a bag of fives upside the ol’ noggin,” Haber said on Tuesday. “The Hollywood elite is so out of touch with reality, their version of a bad day is when the catering department on their latest film accidentally provides almond milk for their coffee enema instead of soy milk.”
Burroughs has little time for her detractors.
“My track record speaks for itself,” Burroughs said. “I convinced Kim Kardashian that Kanye was crazier than a dog in a fire hydrant factory. Or course her new man Pete Davidson has a head full of bees so I’m expecting another call from her any day now.”
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