The latest Star Wars project doesn’t take place in a galaxy far, far away, but rather a few miles down the road from Jenny Lind Store in the La Grange suburb of Bucklesberry.
The Star Wars franchise is enjoying a creative and commercial rejuvenation thanks to the shows The Mandolorian and The Book of Boba Fett. Since fan reaction to these shows has eclipsed that of the recent Star Wars films, it comes as no surprise that the folks at Disney would want to create more shows for their Disney+ streaming platform. Why charge a fan a one-time fee of $20 for a hard copy when you can hook them in for $7.99/month for infinity?
It’s understandable that the Disney folks would want to check Yoda’s pockets for loose change since they paid $4.05 billion for Star Wars/LucasFilm. Even company founder Walt Disney, who passed away in 1966, let out an audible gasp when the sale price was announced in 2012. Many worried that Mickey Mouse would end up on government cheese. Minnie Mouse was reportedly seen dancing at a gentlemen’s club in Tallahassee, but her publicist said that had more to do with empowerment than rent money.
Avoid the box store blues with a visit to Blizzard Building Supply, located at 405 Walson Avenue, Kinston.
With The Mandolorian and The Book of Boba Fett cruising right along and the new Obi-Wan Kenobi series premiere just weeks away, a fourth television series from the Star Wars universe is set to begin filming in Bucklesberry, North Carolina in September.
“This new show is a Book of Boba Fett spin-off,” says industry insider Correai Moore. “It will be the first Star Wars story to take place on earth and is set in the present day. It will be based on Boba Fett’s uncle, Bubba Feet.”
While there have only been a few script leaks as of this writing, sources say Bubba Feet was accidentally created as a clone for Jango Fett, Boba Fett’s father.
“They were trying to clone Boba’s father Jango but someone accidentally dropped a piece of aluminum foil from a pouch of Levi Garrett chewing tobacco in the incubator and out popped Bubba Feet,” Moore said. “Bubba was never interested in galaxies far, far away unless you count Darlington Raceway, a place where several guys who favor Jabba The Hutt can be found carousing around the infield most of the time.”
Birdhouses, flags, pillows, and summer clothes are now available Bannister’s Fine Gifts, located at 106 West Railroad Street in La Grange.
According to fansite YoDuh.Net, the pilot episode details how Darth Vader created the band Florida Georga Line to help recruit storm troopers who terrorize neighborhoods by turning their vehicles into squat trucks.
“The stormtroopers jack up the front of their vehicles to the point that they can’t see the cars in front of them,” wrote YoDuh.Net webmaster Ashley Mills. “The alpha dunderpates install mufflers that make their ridiculous vehicles so loud that it causes hardworking folks who just want some peace and quiet to cross over to the dark side in a John Cafferty-like manner.”
According to reports from the set, Bubba Feet triumphs over the stormtroopers by installing noise-canceling mufflers on their trucks.
“If these stormtroopers lose their noisy mufflers, they have no identity, personality, or reason to exist,” Mills said. “There are so many loud mufflers in the Bucklesberry area, producers realized they could save money on special effects by just setting up their cameras and filming every third vehicle that passes by.”
Initially down and out due to the failure of his tattoo parlor for pets, Bubba Feet exhibits great heroism when his sidekick Chewtobacca is tricked into participating in a beach home timeshare by retired Coruscant pundit Jar Jar Binks.
“Bubba Feet confronts Jar Jar after he tricks Chewtobacca into signing a bad contract,” Moore said. “I don’t want to spoil anything, but Bubba drives out of the woods with Jar Jar tied to the hood of his truck like a deer.”
Early reports suggest there will be plenty of action involving spaceship battles and lightsaber fights with all types of space boogers. It’s even rumored that a romance will blossom between Bubba Feet and the distant niece of Star Wars legend Lando Calrissian.
“Bubba Feet will meet Lando Calrissian’s niece Landho Kardashian in the emergency room after he mistakes Preparation-H for cheese whiz and eats it on a cracker,” Mills said. “His mouth implodes and she’s the nurse who feeds him Vienna sausage milkshakes during his recovery. There’s also a scene that depicts Landho Kardashian using her gargantuan hind end to fake an eclipse which thwarts an attack of Flordia Georgia Line stormtroopers on a local arts festival.”
The season will reportedly end with a cliffhanger involving Bubba Feet breaking into an airforce base to steal an engine with enough thrust to properly power Landho Kardashian’s bidet.
“They filmed a scene the other day with Bubba Feet and his robot sidekicks,” said Bucklesberry resident Preston Sutton. “Apparently Bubba doesn’t have the same clout as Luke Skywalker who has C-3PO and R2-D2. Bubba had to build his own robots out of leftover parts from a Farmall 130 tractor and an old VCR.”
According to IMDB.com, Bubba Feets’ robot companions are named WD-40 and MD/2020.
Jon Dawson’s books are available at http://www.JonDawson.com
You can hear Jon weekdays on the Bryan Hanks Show: