Kinston couple lifts veil on unconventional marriage

For those of you who have read my scribbles for the last decade or so, you know that I avoid controversy as though it were that Napolean Dynamite-ish dad at your kid’s dance recital who missed ‘comma’ and ‘period’ day in first grade. Once he starts talking about his collection of rest stop pamphlets and their various folds and fonts, there’s no Seal Team, A-Team, or rapidly approaching meteor that’s going to end your misery.

I’m sure it’s happened somewhere in the universe, but I’ve never seen someone change their opinion after a political argument. I say let’s just all agree to disagree and put our heads together and figure out how to convert spam calls into gasoline.

All that being said, I have decided to just this once weigh in on some controversial subjects. I sincerely hope that opening up my soul to bear my core beliefs doesn’t alienate anyone. Okay, here goes.

Avoid the box store blues with a visit to Blizzard Building Supply, located at 405 Walson Avenue, Kinston.

At Dawson Manor, there is no microwave. Leftovers taste better warmed up in an oven, and popcorn tastes better when popped in a pot on a stove – the way the good Lord intended. If you can spend half an hour a day altering your face and voice on Snapchat or arguing politics with people who are never going to change their minds, you should be able to handle the five minutes it takes to make stovetop popcorn.

Once the corn is popped (in olive oil), I pour melted butter over it and add sea salt mixed with a teeny bit of garlic powder. We use sea salt because it’s healthier than processed salt, and the garlic powder is in there to keep the vampires away. There is nothing more annoying than having to fight off a vampire while trying to enjoy a bowl of popcorn.

A few nights ago The Wife asked if I’d make some popcorn. I was asked to do it because no one else in the house has my finely-honed popcorn abilities. The Wife and TD#1 can cook most people up a tree, but for some reason, neither of them can touch my poppable prowess. The last time TD#1 tried to make popcorn without me, she somehow ended up with a bowl of cornbread.

For the record, I have always been pro-cornbread. You can check my congressional voting record, my speeches to civic organizations, and my recent appearance on the Rachel Ray Show for proof of my longstanding commitment to the cornbread community.

I prefer thin, crispy cornbread, but that’s no reason to ridicule or condemn those who like their cornbread thick and cake-like. I’ve even had extra pockets lined with aluminum foil sewn into my sports jackets in an effort to keep emergency cornbread nearby.

There’s a huge clothing/jewelry sale going on at Bannister’s Fine Gifts, located at 106 West Railroad Street in La Grange.

It’s been reported by TMZ and the National Enquirer that I once stood up for a friend who prefers cornbread sticks over hushpuppies. While the idea of wasting cornmeal on a cornbread stick is something that is not in congruence with my moral code, I believe tolerance is essential for our country to thrive.

If you’re at a pig pickin’ and see someone mixing in a cornbread stick with their pork and slaw, simply whisper “bless their heart” to yourself and carry on.

Just last month I had to break up a fight between a married couple in the parking lot of a grocery store due to an argument over mayonnaise. Apparently, these newlyweds were making their first trip to the grocery store together. When it came time to decide which brand of mayonnaise to purchase, every loving vow from their wedding was out the window, while new, sinister ones involving hexes and poxes rose to the surface.

“I cannot believe I married a woman who doesn’t like Duke’s mayo,” said a frustrated Kevin Morgan. “I should’ve had the preacher work in something about condiments between ‘honor’ and ‘obey’. Mama tried to tell me not to marry a Yankee, BUT NO, I was in love!”

“I moved down here from Boston to be with Kevin,” said Sheila Morgan (annulment pending). “I traded hockey for NASCAR, clam chowder for barbecue and Macy’s for Walmart. I am not giving up Hellmann’s…I’ve sacrificed enough.”

I followed up with the Morgans this morning. In an effort to save their marriage, the young couple has agreed to have an open marriage in regards to sandwich toppings.

“We’re secure enough in our relationship to allow each other to use different types of mayonnaise,” Sheila Morgan said. “Some people think allowing your spouse to use other brands is a form of cheating, but that’s only if it’s done in a secretive manner. We’re so emboldened by this new lifestyle that we’re toying with the idea of working crunchy and smooth peanut butter into our next grocery list.”

Kevin Morgan was more cautious in his views on peanut butter.

“If she tries to bring a jar of Skippy in here she might as well head straight to the airport.”

Jon Dawson’s books are available at http://www.JonDawson.com.

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston, and 960TheBull.com daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the suite of 252ESPN.com stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m.

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