The stores are busting at the seams with fake Christmas trees, strands of lights and inflatable snowmen. This can mean only one thing: It’s several weeks before Thanksgiving.
At one time it was shocking to see Christmas decorations on store shelves before Thanksgiving. Nowadays it’s normal to see an 8-ft.-tall inflatable Santa Claus on the same aisle as candy corn and do-it-yourself James Corden jack o’lantern kits. Conveniently, Corden’s head is the same size as most pumpkins sold in the United States.
Many consumers have come to the conclusion that the economy needs all the help it can get.
“I don’t like the idea of stores selling Christmas trees in the middle of the summer,” said Johnathan Massey, 63, of Kinston. “One thing about it though, if my grandchildren start acting up in the store I can just point to Santa and tell them if they don’t straighten up they’ll be playing with sticks and empty Sweet and Low packets on Christmas morning.”
What does have Massey’s truss in a knot is a new movement to combine Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween into one holiday.
“Some hippie with a ponytail handed me a flier outside the grocery store last week,” Massey said. “The flier had a coupon for a free Swisher Sweets cigarillo on it so naturally, I had to accept it; that’s like free money.”
Upon closer inspection, Massey realized the coupon was just a way to pass along what he calls “pinko propaganda of the highest order.”
“Whoever put out this flier thinks it would be more efficient if Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween were done away with,” Massey said. “They’re proposing one giant holiday on Dec. 1 to cover all the bases. They’re suggesting children dress up in costumes on that day and go door-to-door not for candy, but for presents. Then, after a long day of begging for presents from strangers, families should get together for a turkey dinner. I haven’t been so mad since NBC canceled the Mandrell sisters back in ’82.”
The flier in question has been traced back to James T. Spurlock, 52, of Charlotte.
“My family is already yelling at me night and day about that flier,” Spurlock told The Bucklesberry Gazette on Monday. “Now that the press is involved, things can only get better.”
A self-described cynic, Spurlock — an efficiency expert for the federal government — says he was inspired to distribute the flier after a horrendous 2021 holiday season.
“Even though it’s been commercialized to the hilt, I’m still a fan of Christmas, and Thanksgiving is okay if you’re not a history major,” Spurlock said. “But throw Halloween in there and it’s just too much. October to December is three non-stop months of buying, driving and eating. Squeezing everything into one day just makes sense.”
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Spurlock is the president of a group called Citizens For Holiday Realignment, or “CFHR”.
“If you try to say ‘CFHR’ as a word people think you’re sneezing, but I’m an efficiency expert, not a writer,” Spurlock said. “Our movement currently only has five members — and yes, three of them are my cats — but you’ve got to start somewhere.”
Ironically, as little as two months ago, Spurlock wasn’t having any movements at all.
“We all thought invasive surgery could possibly help him,” said Dr. Nicholas Van Helsing, Spurlock’s proctologist. “It was clear to all of his friends and family that Mr. Spurlock was suffering from some sort of intestinal knottage. They convinced him to come in for a colonoscopy and what we found was shocking.”
According to Van Helsing, Spurlock was suffering from a blockage caused by a massive bug lodged in his intestinal tract.
“It was a beetle the size of a trash can lid to be exact,” Van Helsing said. “Sadly we were only able to remove a portion of it. The remainder of the bug is so far up there it’ll be years before we have the technology to safely plunder those depths. If we went in after it now, it would be like trying to bring up the Titantic with a piece of twine. I mean, that thing is up there, dude.”
Even after digesting Dr. Van Helsing’s findings, Spurlock says he will not give up on his campaign to combine Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween.
“If I’m miserable everybody else might as well be miserable,” Spurlock said. “If my plan works, you’ll have to stand under the stuffing to get a kiss in just a few months; kids will wake up to find cranberry sauce in their stockings left by a giant turkey who flies through the sky in his magic pumpkin delivering giblets to good boys and girls around the world.”
The Rev. Charlie Aiken hopes Spurlock can recover in time for Christmas.
“Obviously, James Spurlock is a very talented but troubled man,” Aiken said. “If we can get him to reroute his energies to getting people to stop writing ‘Xmas’ instead of ‘Christmas’, we think that will put him on the road to recovery. We’ve got to get to work though, because that thing is way up there, dude.”
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