A mixup at a seed distributor has led to a 5,000 percent increase in regional marijuana production.
According to the Federal Department of Agriculture, thousands of collard seed packages sold by Eden Brothers Seed Company of Denver were mislabeled, which in turn has led to the largest marijuana crop since Willie Nelson accidentally left the windows on his tour bus open in 1982.
“We’re not sure how it happened,” said Wavy Gravy of Eden Brothers. “Somehow our collard seeds ended up in the marijuana packets, while the marijuana seeds ended up in the collard packets. When Soundscan reported an uptick in album sales for George Jones and Loretta Lynn in San Francisco and Denver, we knew something was up.”
Since the hippie community has been dosed with collards, their ‘peace and love’ mantra has been replaced with ‘make grits not war’.
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“Tommy has been listening to bluegrass music nonstop for weeks,” said Cheech Marin of his comedic partner Tommy Chong. “He used to fire up a little jazz cabbage and listen to the Grateful Dead’s Europe ’72 album. Ever since he accidentally smoked a bowl of collards he’s been working on a sculpture of Bill Monroe made out of ambrosia.”
As of this writing, 11% of all inmates being held in North Carolina jails are gardeners who were arrested for growing what they thought were collards.
“I tried to tell grandma collard plants shouldn’t be 12ft tall,” said horticulturist Patricia Heaton. “She’s getting up there in age so I stopped by to pick some collards for her out of the garden. I came back for supper and she was doing that Widespread Panic/hippie girl/chicken wing dance around a lava lamp on the porch.”
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While Tommy Chong is learning how to sop with a biscuit and Grandma Heaton is selling homemade candles in the parking lot of Billy Strings concerts, Eden Brothers have decided to turn their collard/cannabis snafu into a new business venture.
“When people smoke the devil’s lettuce they traditionally get the munchies,” Eden Brothers said in a press release. “Our new collard/cannabis blend The Grand Ole Chronic delivers the procrastinating haze of the wacky wee with the stomach-warming goodness of grandma’s Sunday dinners of yore. One puff of this stuff will probably result in the consumer brushing his or her teeth for seven hours, but at least they won’t be hungry.”
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