As a species, humans have accomplished remarkable things. We’ve walked on the moon, cured polio, and invented spinning tire rims.

Another creation of ours is “reality” TV. Now I love a good documentary, and would even consider reality shows such as “Deadliest Catch” to have a fairly firm grasp on, well, reality.

On the flip side, each cast member of “The Kardashians” has made more money off being filmed not working than Orson Welles — who directed “Citizen Kane” (routinely voted the greatest movie of all time) — ever did. 

By the end of his life, Welles was appearing in frozen pea commercials to fund his movies. Conversely, one of the Kardashians just bought Rhode Island to store her winter clothes.

Two out of two Tax Deductions recommend Blizzard Building Supply, located at 405 Walston Avenue, Kinston.

One reality show that was mighty popular in these parts a few years back was “Duck Dynasty.” The cast was relatable, but when you’re able to see the reflection of the cue cards in Uncle Si’s glasses, it’s obvious the show was as scripted as the Lee Harvey Oswald jail transfer.

In real life, the wives of “Duck Dynasty” wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone that hairy, much less marry them. If you look up photos of the guys a few years before the show aired, they looked less like an Oak Ridge Boys cover band and more like a group of Starbucks’ district managers.

I don’t blame the participants of these shows for taking the cabbage and running. Never let it be said I let my principles stand in the way of earning a buck. The Wife and I have two kids, and a mortgage to feed, so whether you need a press release, a bit of music for a student film, or someone to dig a ditch, I’m your man.

A few months ago representatives from the Americana Cable Network asked if I’d be interested in having a show based on my real life. After a tense negotiation that lasted upwards of six seconds, I signed on.

The first episode set to air in November focuses on a personal hygiene issue. Tax Deductions 1 and 2 have their own bathroom, while The Wife and I share one down the hall. Since this is “reality” TV, some sort of drama has to be dropped in the second act of the show.

Part of my deal with the network requires me to also write the show, so I worked up a little business about what I considered to be an empty tube of toothpaste.

We’re not wasters — to the point we pour leftover ice cubes into a pitcher to water plants (or the dog). Also, we’ve been known to get several years out of a tube of toothpaste (see photo above). That tube of Colgate was purchased during the Carter administration.

Just when you think there’s no more fluoride to be found in that withered vessel, somehow another dollop of minty goo emerges.

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston and 960TheBull.com daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the 252ESPN.com stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m. The entire archive of shows can be found at www.BryanHanks.com.

About a year ago, I suggested to The Wife it might be time to invest in another tube of toothpaste. In my deposition, I noted the many great innovations that had advanced toothpaste technology since we’d bought our last tube.

To me, the greatest advance has been the upgrade from corks to screw-on plastic caps. Sure the little bits of cork mixed in with toothpaste adds fiber to your diet, but it saves time in the morning not having to employ a corkscrew to access your toothpaste.

If this reality show takes off, I expect there will be money rolling in from endorsement deals, books, T-shirts, bumper stickers, and personal appearances. For the personal appearances, I’ll be sending out a cardboard cutout of myself, as I’ve been told the difference in personality between myself and the facsimile is negligible.

If you’d like to advertise with the Bucklesberry Gazette, email jon@thirdofnever.com.

Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com.