From left to right: Hip-Hop-Along Hanks, MC Stimpy, and DJ Mom Jeans reunite at a recent wedding.

(Editor’s note: The bride asked that her name not be published.)

Against the advice of clergy, legal counsel, family, and the wedding venue staff who saw the groom looking for loose change in the parking lot, (bride’s name redacted*) married Bryan Hanks on December 30, 2023.

The ceremony was conducted by Rick Vernon, who kept the proceedings sweet and light, even with his repeated pleas for the bride to reconsider. As it turns out, (bride’s name redacted) loved Hanks enough to go through with the ceremony. There’s also the possibility that the entire affair was a colossal clerical error.

While Vernon took much criticism from the bride’s family for officiating the ceremony – or as they referred to it – “the abomination” – Vernon defended his actions.

“Both the bride and groom are of legal age, they obtained a marriage license, they participated in pre-marriage counseling, and Bryan even went so far as to get his long-overdue childhood vaccinations updated,” Vernon said in a statement given to law enforcement. “I gave the bride plenty of chances to change her mind. If any of those complainers would check the transcript, they’ll see that when addressing the bride I used phrases such as ‘you don’t have to do this’, ‘are you sure you want to do this?’, ‘no one will be upset if you don’t want to do this’ and ‘blink three times if you don’t want to do this’.”

While the bride’s family consoled each other, Hanks was reunited with friends from his former band, C.W.A.

“This wedding went a long way towards healing some old wounds,” said former C.W.A. member and Bryan Hanks Show contributor Richard Clark, who these days performs under the name DJ Mom Jeans at county fairs and car shows. “Hanks picked up some sort of camel fungus during our first tour of Lahore back in 1992. The salt from some of the tears shed today made its way to the infection site, so now Hanks has functional opposable thumbs for the first time in years”.

Another former C.W.A. member who attended the wedding said he was looking forward to performing at the reception with his old bandmates.

“We haven’t played any of those C.W.A. songs since we were sued for sampling old Buck Owens beats without permission,” said MC Stimpy, who now appears Monday through Friday on the Bryan Hanks Radio Show under the pseudonym Jonathan Massey. “I fully expect this place to explode when we break into ‘Straight Outta Grifton’.”

Anyone wishing to send a gift to the happy couple is asked to purchase one of Jon Dawson’s books at www.JonDawson.com.

“A portion of the sales will go to the private detective who the bride’s family has hired to dig up dirt on Bryan Hanks,” Dawson said. “If you watch the outtakes of the recent Katt Williams interview on YouTube, he mentions a counterfeit PopTart scam Hanks tried to rope him into while he was a bouncer at the Chuckle Bucket comedy club in Charlotte. We’ll have this thing annulled by sundown.”

Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com.

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston and 960TheBull.com daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the 252ESPN.com stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m. The entire archive of shows can be found at http://www.BryanHanks.com.