It was just two weeks ago when radio host/award-winning Golden Girls reenactor Bryan Hanks was presented with the key to the City of Kinston.

“I can’t believe the city decided to bestow this honor upon me,” Hanks said when handed the key. “My cohosts on the Bryan Hanks Show – Jon Dawson and Jonathan Massey – deserve this award much more than I do. To be honest, Dawson probably deserves it more than Massey. Nevertheless, thank you so much for this prestigious honor.”

In the days since Hanks received the Key to the City of Kinston, Hanks has reportedly been trying to put the key to practical use.

“The alarm tripped last Saturday at 2:17 a.m.,” said Janet Sutton, manager of Chick-fil-A in Kinston. “I drove down here to find Bryan Hanks trying to unlock the door with his key to the city. He said he woke up with the notion to cover his driveway with our honey mustard dipping sauce and make snow angels. I gave him a case of expired mayonnaise packets and sent him on his way.”

Undeterred, Hanks left the Chick-fil-A and attempted to open the doors of Wal-Mart, Nadine’s Bait & Lingerie Shop, Dollar Tree, Pronoun Emporium, Hardee’s, and succeeded at Paulette’s Do-It-Yourself Tattoo Removal College.

“I never bother to lock my door so Hanks found his way in,” said Paulette Burroughs. “We do tattoo removal at my place, and Hanks wanted to get rid of his Virginia Cavaliers ink. I mean, what kind of hat rack is born and bred in North Carolina but pulls for Virginia? When I found him he was going to town on his ‘Virginia Forever’ tattoo with a Brillo pad and a can of lighter fluid.”

According to an incident report, Hanks was only able to remove the last two letters from ‘Virginia’ before passing out.”

“A key to the city means it should unlock everything in the city,” said Hanks’ attorney Mick Harvey. “The charges brought against my client are unfounded. We believe it’s a witch hunt created by Bryan Hanks’ radio rivals to bring him down.”

According to Nielson surveys, the Bryan Hanks Show is ranked as the most listened-to morning radio show in Lenoir County for 2024. This feat is even more unusual since the Hanks show originates from an AM station.

“The Hanks show is beating all of the FM guys,” Harvey said. “If Hanks ever moves his show to FM, the governor will have to name a rest stop bathroom after him.”

In an 8-0 vote during a closed meeting on Thursday, Kinston city officials agreed to ask Hanks to return the key.

“I was making a good case in Bryan’s favor,” said one committee member. “I reminded the council that growing up in Wilkes County, Hanks didn’t see an actual chair until he was 13. At the age of 15, he borrowed his cousin’s bong in an attempt to make potted meat and was sent to a juvenile facility for six months.”

The committee member said she was starting to sway the committee in Hanks’ favor until he was caught trying to pick the lock to the boardroom with his key to the city.

Jon Dawson’s books are availalbe at www.JonDawson.com.

To listen to live and archived broadcasts of The Bryan Hanks Show with Jon Dawson and Jonathan Massey, visit www.BryanHanks.com.