If you follow radio host Bryan Hanks on social media, you know he’s a Renaissance man.
Hanks has the largest collection of Golden Girls memorabilia on the eastern seaboard, and he’s been in Disney World for the past week – which rumor has it isn’t hot or crowded this time of year.
Accompanying Hanks on his sojourn to the land of the talking mice and the guilt-tripping crickets is his better half, Linda. The cover story is that this trip is for Linda’s birthday. Those in the know, however, paint a picture of a man seeking redemption.
“Bryan doesn’t like to talk about it,” said Bryan Hanks Show co-host Jonathan Massey. “When he was a little kid, Hanks accompanied a few of his cousins on a family trip to Disney World. He enjoyed the trip but something happened that scarred him for life.”
According to an incident report filed by the Disney World Police Department in 1978, Bryan Hanks suffered what officers on the scene described as a “psychotic episode” while viewing the Country Bear Jamboree.
The following is an excerpt from the police report:
Upon seeing the animatronic talking bears at the Country Bear Jamboree, Bryan Hanks jumped from his seat and screamed “it’s the flying monkeys all over again” in a voice described as Minnie Mouse on helium. During the wackaloon rampage, Hanks trampled dozens of bystanders and infected the entire cast with fleas.”
“Those robotic bears weren’t designed to scratch but after they caught fleas from Hanks they figured it out,” said Disney Historian Leonard Maltin. “It even led to the early retirement of James G. Murphy, senior vice president for MCA Recreational Services that same year. The millions of dollars he had to pay Orkin to deHankify the Country Jamboree Bears simply decimated his budget.”
The last time Hanks went to Disney World, he purchased several pounds of Disney Dollars, which are basically traveler’s checks that only work inside the Disney Kingdom. One Disney Dollar is the equivalent of two United States dollars, and it was said to be a scheme to help Mickey Mouse dig out of the financial hole he fell into following his tumultuous divorce from Daisy Duck.
Hanks has been trying to unload these Disney Dollars for a couple of years now, be it through vending machines, the collection plate, or his weekly poker game with Andrea Bocelli and Stevie Wonder. Last week when Hanks was caught tipping performers at an Orlando gentleman’s club with Disney Dollars, he was asked to leave while the staff taunted him with a few choruses of “It’s A Small World”.
Never one to leave mayhem far behind, Hanks made his traditional stop at the legendary South of the Border on his way home from Florida. Moderation being as abhorrent to Hanks as communists and mouthwash, he reportedly purchased enough fireworks to bring down an F-16 or Lizzo.
As the Bucklesberry Gazette went to press, Twitter was filled with reports of Roman Candles being ignited inside Hanks car while his companion Linda chastised him for forgetting to roll the window down “again”.
Jon Dawson’s books are available at http://www.jondawson.com.