By Jon Dawson / Staff Writer
A dog reported missing in the Kinston area on March 1, 2021, has been reunited with her owner.
“During the weeks my dog Molly was missing I was a total wreck,” said radio host Bryan Hanks. “One of our daily traditions is her 4 p.m. Milkbone biscuit treat. It was very depressing seeing that giant plastic tub of Milkbone dog treats sitting on the counter untouched, so after a few days, I started to throw one back every afternoon with a glass of milk as a vigil for Molly.”
According to Hanks’ inner circle, he grew more and more depressed as the days passed by with no sign of his precocious pooch.
“When it seemed his dog was never going to be found Hanks was really down in the dumps,” said Bryan Hanks Show cohost Jonathan Massey. “During Molly’s absence, Hanks was only able to watch three episodes of the “Golden Girls” every day as opposed to his usual nine. When his loneliness got the better of him and he started eating the Milkbone biscuits we were very concerned. Then again, his coat was never shinier and his breath stopped melting telephones.”
When Bryan Hanks spoke to the Bucklesberry Gazette on Tuesday, his beloved puppy dog Molly was by his side.
“We just returned from a long walk and she’s a little tired,” Hanks said while Molly stretched out at his feet. “She also got caught in the downdraft of my shoes when I took them off just now, so she’s going to need a min…MOLLY! Stop trying to chew off your nose!”
The question on everyone’s mind is where had Molly been all this time? As it turns out, she didn’t get very far.
“During one of Bryan Hanks’ Golden Girls marathons, he picked up a couch cushion to squeeze tightly during a pivotal scene between Rue McClanahan and Bea Arthur,” said local dog trainer/Q-Tip enthusiast Richard Clark. “While Hanks was holding onto the couch cushion for dear life, Molly slid down the couch and fell asleep. When Hanks put the cushion back he didn’t notice she was under there.”
For several months, Molly survived on the crumbs generated from Bryan Hanks’ legendary Dagwood-esque sammiches.
“Bryan’s sandwiches are legendarily extreme,” Massey said. “Far be it from me to criticize, but when you have to obtain a building permit from the city for one sandwich I think it’s a bit much. Luckily for Molly, the crumbs Hanks generates while eating a sandwich on his couch during a sporting event provide enough protein to feed a small village for days.”
Since Bryan Hanks is one of the most generous people you’ll ever meet, he feeds all of his guests as if they were heads of state – which also helped kept Molly alive during her ordeal.
“Hanks keeps Reed’s ginger ale on hand because he knows I like it,” said Bryan Hanks Show producer Phil Bartoli. “He feeds the crew so well, but when we have a deli tray he always makes fun of my sandwich to the point of questioning my virility. I throw on a slice or two of turkey, a little roast beef, but Hanks makes a sandwich that can’t be transported from the kitchen to the couch without the aid of a hand truck. The man buys mayonnaise by the barrel for goodness sakes.”
Molly was eventually rescued when Hanks once again picked up the couch cushion squeeze during an emotional TVLand tribute to Estelle Getty.
“When I picked up that cushion Molly shot out of the couch like a rocket,” Hanks said. “She was torn between being glad to see me and really, really needing to go outside for what turned out to be roughly seven hours. There are parts of the yard that probably won’t grow back for several years, but I’m just glad to have her back.”
Jon Dawson’s books are available at http://www.JonDawson.com.