Kinston man wanted for incident at ECU football game

Bryan Hanks enjoying a pre-game soda at Bank of America stadium last Thursday.

Authorities in Charlotte are looking for a Kinston man who inadvertently caused a riot at the Bank of America on Sept. 2.

The man in question is beloved Kinston broadcaster/journalist/Golden Girls Fan Club charter member Bryan Hanks, 63. Hanks won tickets to the Duke’s Mayo Classic by producing a year’s worth of personal receipts for Duke’s mayonnaise in excess of the gross national product of Peru.

“Hanks buys Duke’s mayonnaise by the barrel,” said Bryan Hanks Show cohost Jonathan Massey. “He’s also been known to brush his teeth with it whenever the price of Crest spikes. At one point his addiction to mayonnaise was so out of control that he tried to check himself into the Mayo Clinic.”

Since East Carolina University was playing against Appalachian State, Hanks was one of many football fans in the east who drove four hours to cheer the Pirates on to a 33-19 loss.

“Gameday started off in typical fashion,” said a member of Hanks’ entourage who wished to be referred to as Mr. Tibbs. “The parking lot was full of tailgaters and grillers, not to mention a plethora of enthusiastic alcoholics. There weren’t enough chicken wings or bratwurst in all of Mecklenburg County to offset the tsunami of booze drenching the area.”

Fall has fallen at Bannister’s Fine Gifts in La Grange.

After Hanks and his crew waded through the sea of over-priced jerseys, machismo, and cirrhosis, they claimed their seats a full 90-minutes before the start of the game. Sipping on bags of strawberry kiwi CapriSun and snacking on carrots with hummus, Hanks and his crew cheered on a confused grounds crew as they finished prepping the field.

As game time approached, the huge jumbo screen in the stadium flickered to life. Displayed on the large screen were promos for upcoming events, directions to emergency exits, and public service announcements from Al-Anon. Off in the distance two Air Force jets appeared on the horizon, with their eventual stadium flyover set to officially start the game. 

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“He wouldn’t say so, but I believe Hanks was hoping to appear on the Jumbotron,” said Mr. Tibbs. “The day before the game he got a haircut, a manicure and a pedicure. When I asked him why he got a pedicure, he said “Dude, hi-definition televisions pick up everything.”

As the distant roar of the jets brought the crowd to its feet, a miracle of miracles, Hanks appeared on the Jumbotron screen. 

“We couldn’t believe it,” said Mr. Tibbs. “Hanks’ face was eight stories tall on that giant screen. It was as if Richard Simmons had morphed into King Kong.”

Bryan Hanks at the Fondue Museum in Washington last Wednesday.

While the Hanks entourage was excited to see their fearless leader’s face on the giant stadium screen, others were less enthusiastic. 

“The giant image of Bryan Hanks on the screen scared the breakfast right out of the pilots who were supposed to fly over the stadium,” said US Air Force spokesman Allan Hynek. “Upon their approach to the stadium, both pilots began yelling things such as “MAYDAY!”, “DEAR GOD PLEASE HELP US!” and “MOMMY!”.

Instead of flying over the stadium, the pilots took a hard left and kept flying until they ran out of fuel over Iceland.

“The giant image of Bryan Hanks on the stadium screen also negatively affected the migration of a battery of blue herons,” said  Hector Quintanilla of the Audubon Society. “Birdwatchers in the vicinity of the stadium that day reported thousands of herons abruptly changed course upon reaching the stadium. The birds in front of the formation got one look at Hanks and made a U-turn of Vin Diesel proportions.”

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston, and daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the suite of stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m.

The operator of the Jumbotron has been identified as former filmmaker David Lynch. According to a Reddit q&a, Lynch was drummed out of the business after making a series of pointless, self-indulgent films, culminating in Twin Peaks: The Return, a film so bad it would barely stick to celluloid.

“We don’t know why Lynch decided to put Hanks on the Jumbotron,” said Mark Frost of Owl Security Services. “Not only did he put Hanks on the Jumbotron, but he left him up there for upwards of 45 seconds. You’d think the sound of thousands of people screaming and trampling each other in an effort to escape would cause him to move the camera to something less terrifying.”

Lynch has been charged with using the Jumbotron as a weapon of mass destruction and crimes against humanity. As of this writing, Hanks is still on the run.

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