Missing pacifier causes thousands in damages

The beautiful Ms. Maris.

by Jon Dawson

A few weeks back guest columnist Jonathan Massey of the Bryan Hanks Show wrote about his impending fatherhood. Shortly after the column ran, Massey’s wife Summer gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Maris.


Family, friends, clergy, and hospital staff let out a collective sigh of relief when shortly after Maris was born, it was evident that she looked like her mother. The fear that the baby might favor her father was so great that hospital personnel took the precaution of covering every mirror in the delivery room.

Chris Blizzard of Blizzard Building Supply in Kinston explains how all treated lumber is not the same.


“If the baby favored her father and accidentally caught a glimpse of herself, she may have retreated to the womb out of fright,” said  Dr. Lawrence Jacoby of Vibrant Medical Center in Greenville. “American hospitals aren’t equipped to deal with that scenario, but we hear the Germans are very close.”

Even though county fair sideshow freaks routinely refund Massey’s money out of pity, his lycanthropic appearance hasn’t stopped him from being a great father.


“Jonathan Massey has no fear of diapers,” said Bryan Hanks. “Leading up to the birth of his daughter, Massey wore an adult diaper for an entire weekend to see what it was like. Not only did the experience provide him with great insight, his diaper only had to be changed twice.”

Mums are now available at Bannister’s in La Grange, located at 106 West Railroad Street.


The only turbulence reported at Massey Manor since the arrival of baby Maris is the night a pacifier went missing.


“The search for Jimmy Hoffa was a missing sock by comparison,” said Richard Clark, live-in butler/palmist for the Massey family. “Maris loves her pacifier like Scottie Pippen loves drinking from the air conditioner. We tore up the carpet, pulled out the stove – you name it.”

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston, and 960TheBull.com daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the suite of 252ESPN.com stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m. Archived shows available at http://www.BryanHanks.com.


After several hours the pacifier was eventually found somewhere no one ever dreamed of looking.


“Jonathan Massey had given up on the pacifier search so he decided to take care of his evening beard trim,” Clark said. “He has to trim it in the morning, at noon, and at night. Otherwise, he’ll be in full-blown Chewbacca mode by rush hour. Anyway, as soon as he started weed whacking his beard, the pacifier tumbled right out – along with nearly a pound of corned beef, and a ticket stub for the film The Hottie and the Nottie.”

Jonathan Massey displays his beard garden.


For more Massey family exploits, listen to the Keepin’ It Classy with The Masseys at www.BryanHanks.com.


Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com.

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