I’ve never kept a diary, although I did try briefly during my time as a full-fledged newspaper grunt. Here’s an excerpt from a few years back:

March 30th:

Dear Diary, 

After arguing with graphic designer Richard Clark over which cheese went better with Mt. Dew – Gouda or Camembert – newspaper editor Brian Hanks brought the staff meeting to a halt when he called in drug-sniffing dogs to find his missing bag of Skittles. The dogs eventually found the melted bag of candy in the bottom of Hanks’ Golden Girls lunchbox. To make up for his faux pas, Hanks decided to lead the group through a few verses of “Thank You For Being A Friend”.

Instead of keeping a diary of my own, I tend to make notes when friends of mine do unusual things. This practice not only documents their lives but as you’re about to see also helps me professionally.

Avoid the box store blues with a visit to Blizzard Building Supply at 405 Walston Avenue, Kinston.

The following are excerpts from my forthcoming third book, “Jon Dawson’s Third Book.” My first two books are available at Amazon.com and participating truck stops in Tijuana, Montreal, and Pot Neck:

• June 28, 2011: Kinston newspaper photographer Janet Sutton smuggled a fish filet sandwich into a screening of “A Dolphin’s Tale.” Later on, she took to Twitter proclaiming “Being tasteless never tasted so good!”

• July 2, 2012: After spending a few hours working in the yard on the hottest day of the year, I walk into the house to hear Tax Deduction No. 1 (my oldest daughter) say to me, “Daddy, you smell tired.”

• Dec. 2, 2013: Newspaper editor Bryan Hanks misspells the word “typo” in his weekly memo on quality control.

Bannister’s Fine Gifts is located at 106 West Railroad Street in La Grange.

• May 1, 2014: Woodmen Center Towel Maintenance Administrative Coordinator Jonathan Massey ruins an entire set of T-Fal cookware trying to make an omelet out of Cadbury chocolate egg. Also, chips tooth trying to “clean” pan.

• Sept. 4, 2015: WCTI’s Brian North uses two strawberry Pop-Tarts as bread in a fried bologna sandwich during a commercial break for his high school football show. According to Wikipedia, this concoction is most widely referred to as “Satan’s Laxative.”

• April 21, 2016: Duke basketball star Grayson Allen addresses local elementary students on the importance of extra-long shoelaces and plausible deniability when “accidentally” tripping an opponent.

If you take anything away from this column other than mild dyspepsia and a sense that you’ve been cheated, I hope it’s the comfort of knowing that pointing out the foibles of others is much more fun than self-examination or personal growth. 

Self-improvement is tough; making fun of your buddy who waits till the silent-prayer portion of a church service to then spend the next 30-minutes trying in vain to open a piece of peppermint candy is easy.

Jon Dawson’s books are available at http://www.JonDawson.com.

You can hear Jon Monday through Friday on The Bryan Hanks Show: