A new bill is being fast-tracked through the U.S. Senate that would bring the legal speed limit on all highways down to 25 miles per hour.

“Gas prices are out of control,” said Edgar Froese of Beltway Weekly. “The lawmakers in Washington D.C. are clamoring for a solution, and the best they’ve come up with is for everyone to slow down. Their second recommendation – which didn’t make it out of committee – was a tax credit for hitchhikers.”

Avoid the box store blues with a visit to Blizzard Building Supply, located at 405 Walson Avenue, Kinston.

While it’s true that driving slower increases gas mileage, Froese sees potential problems with the speed limit in some instances being reduced.

“According to the last U.S. census, roughly 29% of the workforce cannot make it to work on time as it is,” Froese said. “Many of these workers spend upward of $50/week on luxury items such as alcohol and manicures, but somehow an $8 alarm clock is kryptonite to these people.”

“What we need to do with these gas prices is flatten the curve,” said consumer advocate Richard Pinhas. “If everyone would just stay home for one week, those gas prices would drop faster than Ceelo Green’s inhibitions at an all-you-can-eat buffet.”

Bannister’s Fine Gifts is located at 106 West Railroad Street in La Grange.

The proposed speed reduction would also affect some of the most unfortunate in our electorate.

“I’ve spent several years and thousands of dollars modifying the mufflers on my $500 vehicles,” said John Frusciante of Bucklesberry. “Most people like a smooth, quiet driving experience, but not me. I’m only happy if my vehicle sounds like a whale that’s gone into septic shock. If I drive by someone’s house and rattle their furniture with my asinine muffler, I feel like I’ve made an impact. If the speed limit drops to 25, I won’t be able to annoy nearly as many people as I normally do.”

Research suggests people like Frusciante lead such vapid lives that their only reason for getting up in the morning is to aggravate those of us who have managed to hold a job for longer than 10 minutes or form lasting relationships with people other than Little Debbie, Mr. Goodbar or Bud Weiser.

“Vin Diesel has been my mentor ever since Fast & Furious 6 came out,” Frusciante said while taking a drag off of a Cheese Whiz-flavored vape pen. “That movie has inspired me to write my own life story, Slow & Not Very Curious. The roar from my mufflers has turned the left side of my brain to oatmeal, so the script I’m working on is a series of stick figures, charcoal scratches, and the occasional misplaced umlaut.”

Aside from being a general nuisance and future ward of the state, Frusciante works as a greeter at an internet sweepstakes parlor in Undershirt, NC. He also works part-time removing gum from under the seats of movie theaters in the tri-county area.

“I’m lucky that I get to do what I love for a living – greet people just before they lose all their money and remove gum from under movie theater seats,” Frusciante said. “You’d be surprised how much flavor you can get out of a wad of HubbaBubba that’s been stuck under a chair for a few months. If you chew long enough, you’ll find it.”

The emergency speed limit bill is expected to be on the president’s desk by the end of the week. Stay tuned to the Bucklesberry Gazette for updates.

Jon Dawson’s books are available at http://www.JonDawson.com.