A new grocery store in Bucklesberry near La Grange has a revolutionary approach to pharmaceutical distribution.

“We pride ourselves on keeping prices low,” said Bucklemart Grocery CEO Klaus Schulze. “All Bucklemart locations will have an in-store pharmacy, which in the past would have been managed by a pharmacist. Our business model does away with the pharmacist altogether by allowing customers to fill their own prescriptions.”

Schulze said everything from Lipitor to OxyContin will be available via a series of bins that contain a small plastic scoop.

“There’s even Ritalin-filled gumball machines for the kids.”

“It’s based on the salad bar concept,” Schulze said via telephone from Bucklemart’s company headquarters in Irrlicht, Germany on Monday. “Don’t have time to go through the hassle of getting an appointment with a doctor? Each of our stores will feature a drive-thru physician who will diagnose your issue based solely on your description of the symptoms. Be it Ambien to help you get to sleep or our Elvis Presley weekend pack to help you power through that college thesis in 72 hours, we’ve got you covered.”

Bannister’s Fine Gifts is located at 106 West Railroad Street in La Grange.

With each passing year, the average consumer demands more organic grocery products, be it vegetables or edible nail polish. To this end, Bucklemart has set up milking stations (complete with genuine Guernsey dairy cows) in all stores that will allow customers to get their milk straight from the tap.

“Thanks to our new milking stations, you’ll never have to reach to the back of the counter to find the milk container with the best date,” said Michael Rother of Bucklemart’s North American Division. “Just pull up a stool — maybe play a little Luther Vandross on your phone to set a mood — and prepare for an experience like no udder.”

Avoid the box store blues with a visit to Blizzard Building Supply, located at 405 Walson Avenue, Kinston.

Rother said their La Grange store would be a self-checkout location.

“Self-checkout has revolutionized the grocery business and we’ve taken it a step further,” Rother said. “We’ll be asking customers to stock a few items as they enter the store. This will provide much-needed exercise for the customers and allow Bucklemart to operate with fewer employees on the payroll.

When asked if the reduction in staff would result in lower prices for customers, Rother laughed until later losing consciousness.

Jon Dawson never left Kinston or swore to never come back. Buy Jon’s books at www.JonDawson.com.