Bryan Hanks (left) and Jonathan Massey (center) at Fashion Week in New York City with their stylist Richard Clark (far right)/Photo courtesy of Busted Locals.

It’s 6 p.m. on a Tuesday afternoon. Your phone rings. Against your better judgment, you answer it.

“Hey dude, why don’t you come to the movie theater tonight and watch (insert Hollywood movie with lots of explosions here) with us?” says Bryan Hanks Radio Show host…Bryan Hanks.

“Me and Jonathan Massey,” Hanks says.

After verifying that all of my inoculations were in fact up to date, I agreed to go with Hanks and Massey to the movie that featured lots of stuff ‘sploading.

Right off the bat, I can tell Hanks and Massey are in rare form. One of them found a case of unused calculator paper and for some reason decided to bring it to the movie theater.

“We figured you could come up with a good use for it,” Massey said while dipping a discounted Valentine’s Day Peep into his tumbler of Cheerwine.

I thought about it for a minute and decided the best thing to do with the rolls of calculator paper would be to switch them out with the rolls of tissue in the restrooms.

After Hanks and Massey headed into the restrooms to carry out mission “Paper Cut,” we walked (okay, Hanks skipped) over to the snack bar.

Unless I have a kid with me I don’t bother with the snack bar. Obviously, businesses have to charge for their products to survive, but I think having to consult with a physician before reading the prices is a bit much.

The guy in front of us in line had no problem paying the gross national product of Peru for a bag of popcorn and a cup of carbonated sugar water. He also got a box of Butterfingers, Twizzlers, Snickers, and M&Ms. Not having enough hands to hold all of his provisions, the guy put the boxes and bags of candy between his belt and his pants as if they were pistols.

Like an over-the-hill Batman who has had it with going to the gym, our hero proudly walked around the lobby wearing a utility belt of candy that also housed a stack of napkins, a newspaper, and a smartphone. The caped confectioner also took the precaution of applying a nearly lethal dose of Old Spice.

I happen to like Old Spice. When I was a little kid I used to watch my granddaddy shave, and when he finished he’d always splash a little Old Spice on his face and mine. The keywords in that previous sentence were “a” and “little.”

Apparently, the guy with the junk food utility belt uses Old Spice for sunscreen and/or bubble bath. He was five rows ahead of us and the smell was so intense it made everything taste like peppermint. I would almost swear at one point the bad guy in the movie tried to punch him from the screen.

The movie – which was based on Planet of the Apes – ended up being quite good, and it seemed to have quite an impact on Hanks and Massey. For starters, they checked each other’s hair for food as the end credits rolled. Between them, they produced several Lice Crispies and half a Twix. Also, the film’s strong anti-war message inspired them to stop arguing over who was the better-looking Wahlberg.

Jon Dawson’s books of columns written for the Kinston Free Press are available at www.JonDawson.com.

To listen to live and archived broadcasts of The Bryan Hanks Show with Jon Dawson and Jonathan Massey, visit www.BryanHanks.com.