Photo by Thomas Chong

The pothole problem in Kinston has been solved, and not a minute too soon.

“For years local authorities have been trying to fix the potholes on McLewean,” said local activist Sonny Blount. “I’m ex-military, and I have to say that my ride was smoother in downtown Beirut during a bombing raid. The craters on the streets around here show up in satellite images just like craters on the moon. The IAU has christened our cluster of potholes “The Sea of Undriveability”.

Two years ago leaders got serious about the pothole situation and decided to from an exploratory committee.

“We formed a committee and sent them on fact finding missions in Las Vegas, New Orleans, and The Bahamas,” said Councilman Thom Yorke. “After 18 months and several thousand dollars in travel expenses, we determined that potholes do in fact exist.”

With the knowledge that the potholes were real and not holograms, the committe set about finding a solution to the problem.

“Our first thought was to pay someone $23,000 to paint a mural on the side of the buildings next to the potholes,” Yorke said. “Although the mural was beautiful, it’s existence did virtually nothing to alleviate the pothole problem. In hindsight, perhaps if it hadn’t been rendered in chalk we would’ve seen a different outcome.”

The next attempt to fix the problem faced a totally different obstacle.

“Many people have fallen into these potholes never to be seen again,” Yorke said. “We started a program that would allow the public to buy memorial bricks in honor of those who fell victim to the deepest ravines this side of the Grand Canyon. Initial sales of the bricks were brisk, but the program was abandoned when the bricks fell down into the potholes so deep that they couldn’t be seen without binoculars.”

Yorke says that when the recent raids on Kinston businesses yielded a large amount of confiscated marijuana, it was a watershed moment.

“The police seized so much pot they didn’t have anywhere to store it all,” said Tim Gutterson of Bennett Asphalt & Consumables. “One of our guys got into his own stash one night and came up with the bright idea to fill the Kinston potholes with pot.”

That’s right, over the next few weeks crews will be dispatched to fill the potholes on McLewean Street and the surrounding areas with confiscated pot. 

“It’s naturally sticky – the stickiest of the icky,” Gutterson said. “That should help seal the holes, crevices, and cracks that have made our streets undriveable to anyone who doesn’t own a fanboat. A few months ago they tried this is in Oakland, which lead to an increase in Twinkie and Dorito consumption in the local stray dog and cat population; herds of which started following the band Phish across the country, thus raising the general hygiene level of the band’s fanbase.”

Yorke said if the pot-filled potholes continue to be a problem, the city is prepared to start collecting bubblegum from underneath school desks, movie theater seats, and hospital operating tables.

Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com.

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