Community holds vigil for Jonathan Massey

Jonathan Massey after being lost in his front yard for three days. Photo by Summer Massey

By Jon Dawson


To those of you who’ve been subjected to this column over the years, the name Jonathan Massey should be familiar to you. A few days ago he turned 40, and in a couple of months, he’ll become a father. 


Along with being 1/3 of the international broadcast juggernaut that is the Bryan Hanks Show, Massey is a noted Q-tip historian, four-time winner of the Pigasus Award, and was the groom in the shortest wedding ceremony in United States history


“We had to keep the ceremony short,” Massey said during the wedding reception at a nearby Sheetz. “I didn’t want to give my fiance time to realize what she was doing.”


“I nodded off and woke up to Jonathan swinging a pocket watch slowly back and forth in my face,” Summer Massey said after the ceremony. “I thought we were making our weekly trip to Blizzard’s to buy new hedge clippers for Jonathan’s back hair. Before I could make sense of it all, Jonathan was placing a garden hose washer on my ring finger. I guess it’s legal now.”


Months passed by and eventually, friends, family, clergy, acquaintances, and strangers driving by on the highway stopped bombarding the new bride with annulment pamphlets. A short time later, the newlyweds announced they were going to be parents.


“Becoming a father has really inspired Massey to straighten up and fly right,” said Bryan Hanks. “For one thing, he’s paying more attention to his diet. The days of him drinking an entire jar of Duke’s mayonnaise with a straw while watching reruns of Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C. are long gone. Nowadays he eats Hellman’s light with a spoon while watching This Is Us.”


Massey told the Bucklesberry Gazzette he switched to This Is Us because “it helps him cry the calories away”. He credits Cotillion classes for his switch from straw to spoon. 

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston, and 960TheBull.com daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the suite of 252ESPN.com stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m.


Since Jonathan Massey still uses sippy cups and only recently finished the See Spot Run book series, his family believes he’s already well-trained for his upcoming role as a dad. 


“I believe Jonathan is going to be a great father,” said Jonathan Massey’s mother who asked to not be named in this column for obvious reasons. “When he was a baby we had to keep an eye on him due to the fact that he loved to eat rocks, gravel – anything of that sort. He’d just grab a handful and start chowing away in a very cheerful manner. It sounded like a hyena eating a bowl of nails. We spent so much time at the emergency room with him the nurses included us in their Secret Santa party for three years straight.”


Jonathan Massey and his bride have already received many baby gifts, which under normal circumstances would be considered a blessing.


“He keeps tearing into the packages and playing with the baby toys – at least the ones he can figure out,” Summer Massey said. “As soon as he figured out Gerber made a chicken and gravy baby food, he threw away his teeth and hasn’t looked back.”


As the Bucklesberry Gazette went to press, several dozen Greene County residents were participating in a prayer vigil for Massey and his growing family.


“We’ve gathered together here to pray that the baby takes after its mother,” said Rev. Frederick J. Eikerenkoetter II. “We’re confident Summer Massey’s beauty will win the day. That’s not to say Jonathan Massey isn’t handsome, but his beauty is a little tougher to define, substantiate, locate or confirm.”


Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com.

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