One of the top films of 1994 was the Arnold Schwarzeneggar vehicle True Lies. It was the first film to cost $100 and it went on to gross $380 million. In a recent episode of Schwarzeneggar’s It’s Not A Tumor podcast, he revealed the inspiration for the film was the owner of a respected Kinston business.

“Back in the late 1980s I was scouting locations in North Carolina for a Captain Kangaroo reboot that never materialized,” Schwarzeneggar told It’s Not A Tumor co-host Carson Daly. “While driving through Kinston I noticed a young girl operating a lemonade stand, and next to her was a young boy selling ink pens, paper clips, and copier paper at what turned out to be an office supply stand.”

“I developed a fascination for office supplies at a young age,” Jacques Passailaigue said via telephone Tuesday from an autograph signing at OfficeCon in Scranton, Pa. “For my seventh-grade art project, I built a full-scale model of Burt Reynolds’ TransAm from Smokey & The Bandit out of paper clips and file folders.”

Schwarzeneggar took a shine to the young entrepreneur. For the next decade, Schwarzeneggar’s Oak Productions company purchased all of their office supplies from Passailaigue’s startup office supply business. 

“With the proceeds from my sales to Arnold Scwarzeneggar’s company, I saved up enough money to pay for my college education,” Passailaigue said. “I ended up majoring in business with a minor in law enforcement. After graduation, I sold copiers door-to-door in Calcutta for a few years and eventually started the Goeco Office Automation company.”

Although Passailaigue has been named Person of the Year seven times by Office Equipment Illustrated and is rumored to have on more than one occasion sold ice to an Eskimo, he wanted to broaden his horizons. To that end, he signed up for the CIA’s lateral entry program.

“It really wasn’t that hard,” Passailaigue said of the CIA application process. “Right now if you can fog a mirror you’re halfway home. There were a few essay questions, a firearms test, and a talent portion. I sang a selection from Puccini’s Madame Butterfly while juggling a litter of kittens.”

Avoid the box store blues with a visit to Blizzard Building Supply at 405 Walston Avenue, Kinston.

When Schwarzeneggar got word that Passailaigue was working as a secret agent while running an office automation business, he was inspired to make the film True Lies. Passailaigue makes a cameo appearance in the movie as a helicopter pilot. Since he wasn’t a member of the Screen Actors Guild, Passailaigue is credited as ‘Chuck Tamburro’.

“The stage name ‘Chuck Tamburro’ was a tribute to my kindergarten kung fu instructor,” Passailaigue said. “I could drop-kick a group of punks before I could tie my shoes. I once put a classmate in the hospital when I caught him trying to use one of my crayons. Those were good times.”

Since Passailaigue is busy running Goeco, he only has time to be a part-time CIA agent.

“When it comes to my CIA duties I’m the equivalent of a substitute teacher,” Passailaigue said. “If an agent comes down with the flu while he or she is in the middle of an assignment, that’s when I step in. On more than one occasion I’ve had to finish a military coup on a Friday that was started by another agent on a Monday.”

Christmas has landed at Bannister’s Fine Gifts at 106 West Railroad Street in La Grange.

Passailaigue recently returned from a fact-finding mission in New York.

“We sent Passailaigue up north to determine why Pete Davidson of Saturday Night Live has a career,” said Jonathan Massey, co-host of the Bryan Hanks Show and District Manager of the CIA’s Greene County office. “There’s no proof of Davidson ever causing another human to laugh, chortle, tee-hee, or giggle. That he has become a millionaire as a comedian while being devoid of a verifiable sense of humor is believed to be a security risk.”

“It’s my belief that Davidson is a Russian operative put in place to funnel money to sleeper cells in the United States,” Passailaigue said during a photoshoot for Copier Afficianado Monthly. “There’s enough spare change in the cup holder of (SNL producer) Lorne Michaels’ car to jump-start the economy of a Third World country. “

Passailaigue also pointed out that Davidson is dating Kim Kardashian, a (profession undetermined) who is believed to be a North Korean agent sent to the U.S. on a mission to bring the country down by promoting vapid nothingness as a way of life.

Schwarzeneggar is currently developing a sequel to True Lies. Few details were available when the Bucklesberry Gazette went to press, other than that Passailaigue is set to appear as Schwarzeneggar’s confused but lovable Cousin Eddie who arrives unannounced on Dec. 20 to spend Christmas with the family.

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