Paulette Burroughs sets up her Chick-Fil-A auction in La Grange.

When Kinston’s lone Chick-fil-A restaurant recently shut down for renovations, lovers of their mystical boneless bird were distraught.

“This is right up there with the sweet tea shortage of ’42,” said Kinston historian Fulton Allen. “FDR was rerouting all the Lipton to Churchill’s troops. We had people around here drinking out of ditches in the hopes they’d find some kind of flavor.”

Eventually, the war ended and Kinstonians no longer had to visit Sugar Hill speakeasies after midnight for their sweet tea fix. 

“I was a cigarette girl at Club Dyspeptia in Kinston; it was run by the Cornbread Syndicate out of Kentucky,” said Paulette Burroughs of La Grange. “They’d bring bootleg Lipton up the Neuse River on a fishing boat. We’d mix in with the fisherman on the bridge we’d use fishing poles to bring up the tea. It made the Boston Tea Party look like Chappaquiddick.”

Burroughs’ background as a gangster’s moll taught her to always be on the lookout for crimes of opportunity.

“When Covid hit I repackaged a semi-truck load of expired Bojangles’ honey mustard packs as Cajun-flavored Purell,” Burroughs said. “Whenever Fauci was on the news, I knew it was Co Time!”

Burroughs’ latest crime against humanity involves the sudden void left in the skeleton-free chicken market.

“When Chick-fil-A announced they were shutting down for renovations I saw an opportunity,” Burroughs said as she lifted the lid on a freezer in her garage. “I’ve got 3,000 Chick-fil-A sandwiches in there.”

Burroughs cashed in her 401-K from her years as a Kinston Free Press concierge to buy the 3,000 Chick-fil-A sandwiches.

“The drive-thrus at Chick-fil-A restaurants are legendary,” Burroughs said. “I pulled up there with a Uhaul trailer and ordered 3,000 sandwiches, and a team of Chick-fil-A minions with clipboards and headsets piled out of that kitchen as if they were invading Canada. Within four minutes that Uhaul was filled to the roof – and all 12 of the employees who helped me told me it was their pleasure.”

Beginning January 22, Burroughs will be auctioning off her Chick-fil-A sandwiches at the flea market on U.S. 70 in La Grange.

“Opening bids start at $25,” Burroughs said. “And just so people don’t think I’m greedy, 10% of the profits will go towards rehab programs for Chick-fil-A chickens that aren’t chosen for the restaurant. It’ll break your heart watching those little chicks try to walk around with no bones.”

Jon Dawson’s books are available at http://www.JonDawson.com

The Bryan Hanks Show airs on 960-AM in Kinston and 960TheBull.com daily at 7 a.m. & 3 p.m. It also airs on the 252ESPN.com stations in New Bern and Greenville (107.5-FM) at 6 p.m. The entire archive of shows can be found at http://www.BryanHanks.com.