A couple of dozy Eastern North Carolina radio personalities have thrown their hats into the race for the White House. 

Bryan Hanks and Jon Dawson announced their bid for the presidency during a segment of the Bryan Hanks Radio Show on Friday. Within seconds callers flooded their phone lines with questions such as “Are you serious?”, “Hasn’t the country been through enough?” and “Can I speak to John Boy?”

The Dawson/Hanks campaign slogan (“The sweet spot between mediocre and adequate.”) has drawn criticism for its lack of inspiration.

“I think this country is in great need of adequateness,” Dawson said. “Things have been in decline ever since Creedence Clearwater Revival broke up. I think it’s time to be realistic about our expectations. Just last night I ordered a hamburger at a restaurant drive-thru and they gave me a stapler.”

“If you want a candidate who makes empty promises just look to your left or right,” said Dawson/Hanks ’24 campaign manager and radio cohost Jonathan Massey. “I’m tired of my friends ending up in the emergency room with their lips stapled together because the bonehead a the drive-thru doesn’t know the difference between a McPossum and a Swingline.”

While Fox News and MSNBC had initially dismissed the Dawson/Hanks ticket as “a horrible joke told poorly” and “the type of nightmare that would run Freddy Krueger up a tree”, some key endorsements over the past 24hrs have resulted in a sea change.

“We’ve been endorsed by Kim Kardashian’s dog, David Crosby’s third liver, and Howard Dean”, Massey told the Bucklesberry Gazette. “We have good reason to believe country musician Garth Strait of ‘Kinston Pothole Blues’ fame will be performing at our convention, currently scheduled to be held at the old KMart building in Kinston.”

To listen to live and archived broadcasts of The Bryan Hanks Show with Jon Dawson and Jonathan Massey, visit www.BryanHanks.com.

“I have no delusions of my generation doing anything all that great,” Dawson said. “Each generation loses a little mojo from the previous one. My granddaddy went to work after finishing the fourth grade, fought in World War II, became a successful farmer, and raised a family. I, on the other hand, need a nap if I have to reset the password on my email at work.”

Dawson and Hanks begin their nationwide tour on Tuesday, or as soon as they raise enough money for gas.

Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.jondawson.com. For everything else, visit www.343Collective.com.