Jon Dawson: Wifi equipped guns blamed for dove extinction

by Jon Dawson

Staff Writer

According to a report from the North Carolina Administration of Wildlife, every dove in the Tar Heel state was killed last Monday.

“Dove season opened last week and it was a bloodbath,” said Kyle Sterngen from the NCAW. “By the end of opening day, the Autobahn Society declared doves extinct in the state of North Carolina. Some grocery stores even reported doves being shot off of bars of soap.”

Sterngen said there are many reasons for the dove decimation.

“Dove hunting technology has made leaps and bounds over the last few years,” Sterngen said. “The new Remington WiFI 12.2 gauge shotgun allows hunters to operate the gun from the comfort of their trucks. Simply mount the weapon in the edge of a field and use the app to aim and fire from a remote location.”

Veteran hunters believe these new guns with wifi capabilities insult the integrity of hunting.

“At it’s core, hunting is supposed to be a spiritual connection between man and animal, with ammunition acting as the conduit,” says John Ratzenberger, 57, of Bucklesberry Sports Shop. “Kids are buying wifi-enabled guns that allow them to scroll TikTok and take selfies with squirrels while simultaneously assasinating Bambi’s father.”

Thanks to an automatic reload feature available on his wifi shotgun, Timmy Kingsley, 13, bagged 437 doves remotely on opening day.

“I didn’t mean to go over the kill limit,” Kinglsey said while texting his friend Mason about something monumentally cool happing at Jersey Mike’s. “My Snapchat app was acting buggy and it caused the Remington app to freeze on FIRE and…(stares at phone while typing)…sorry, my boy Mason sent a picture of a tomato on his sandwich that looks like Luke Bryan. I’m sorry dude, what was your question?”

The trend toward remote hunting is on the upswing, leaving the future of in-person killing up in the air.

“Do to bandwith restrictions, current Remington 12.2 gauge users must be within 200 yards of the gun to utilize the remote feature,” said Jeff Garlin of Pew Pew’s Gun and Cupcake Shop in Kinston. “Within a few years I fully expect hunters to be blowing doves out of the sky and sending deer into the afterlife from the comfort of their beds.”

For updates visit www.Bucklesberry.com.

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