As children all over the world play with toys Santa just brought them, they’re finding that the charmingly obese man in the red coat left something besides toys.
“We had no choice but to leave a bill with the toys to cover the tariff fees,” said Gertrude Claus, wife of Saint Nicholas. “The elves unionized a few years ago and now we’re lucky to get anything out of them. They come back from lunch wreaking of Boone’s Farm and painted women. “
“To keep up with demand we’ve had to outsource to Malwart,” said Santa during a recent appearance on the Joe Rogan Podcast. “Normally I’d rather check Blitzen’s undercarriage for ticks than walk into a Malwart, but it’s the only way to get those Bluey and Paw Patrol cigarettes that all the kids want this year.”
Parents from Poughkeepsie to Petaluma are currently flooding the phones at the North Pole asking why they’re being charged tariff fees. One factor is that the only toys currently manufactured in the United States are ‘Fourth Trip to Rehab Barbie’ and ‘Smurfette’s Baby Daddy Tester’, both of which have been sold out since early November.
Since most of the desired toys originate from other countries, the increased tariff fees are putting a strain on Santa’s billfold.
“Unless parents want their kids to receive piles of shipping peanuts as gifts, they’re gonna have to kick up some dough to the big guy,” said John “The Pouch” Santucci of North Pole Inc. “If anyone can’t pay it all at once, one of our associates will be by every week to collect 10% on the debt. We’re only charging a 4% vig, because, well, it’s Christmas. But seriously, keep the envelopes coming.”
Santa’s new tariff surcharges have inspired a slew of new Christmas songs. According to Spotify, the most streamed songs this Christmas were “Here Comes Mastercard”, “O Capital One”, “Lefty The Loan Shark”, “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Chapter 11”, “Grandma Got Disappeared by the Outfit”, “They Repoed My Car”, and “Rudolph The Broke-*** Reindeer”.
“There’s no need to complain to me,” Santa said. “I have no control over the tariffs. If you can find someone else willing to deliver toys to every child on the planet for free while dodging an onslaught of reindeer discharge, then by all means sign them up. I’ve got a time-share in Myrtle Beach that I’m dying to get to.”
For more information on how Santa’s tariff’s effect you, visit www.343Collective.com.
The Bucklesberry Gazette 