By Jon Dawson
One of the most controversial subjects of recent memory is the practice of vaping, which the Google machine defines as “the inhaling of a vapor created by an electronic cigarette that is filled with a liquid that usually contains nicotine, flavorings, and chemicals”.
For better or worse vaping is now commonplace, and a new Kinston business aims to make it pet friendly.
“When I was a kid my Uncle Buck used to smoke Viceroy cigarettes,” said Donald Roeser of Bucklesberry. “When he’d toss his cigarette butts on the ground, our bulldog Bama would eat them. Eventually, that poor dog developed kennel cough, so my uncle switched to Newport filter cigarettes.”
Roeser says the switch to filtered cigarettes helped Bama’s cough but the menthol made the dog “backfire like a howitzer”.
“The leaves of tobacco in those Viceroys were the closest Uncle Buck ever got to a salad,” Roeser added. “Later on when his pencil-sharpening business went under and money was tight, he’d just grab a wad of grass off of the lawnmower blade and roll it up in an old Snicker’s wrapper.”
The combination of centipede grass and Snicker’s chocolate residue in Uncle Buck’s homemade cigarette is supposedly what inspired the Swisher Sweets line of flavored cigarellos.
“Uncle Buck was all set to sue them for stealing his idea but then he got a gig driving the Solid Gold Dancer’s tour bus and we never heard from him again,” Roeser said.
Although Roeser is not a smoker, he is an entrepreneur.
“We all know Brian North is making a killing with his hair salons for pets and their owners,” Roeser said. “It’s my belief that if you like to be groomed with your dog, you’d also like to vape with your dog.”
Roeser’s new vaping lounge for dogs – The Bark-A-Lounge – is set to open in the vacant grocery store building behind Vernon Park Mall on July 5th.
“I’m as patriotic as the next guy, but we all know fireworks frighten dogs,” said Bark-A-Lounge manager Eric Bloom. “With the barrage of fireworks that will traumatize our canine comrades on July 4th, what better way for them to chill out the following day than a nice vaping session with their owner?”
Bloom has provided the Bucklesberry Gazette with a list of the vape flavors that will be available to their four-legged customers:
Rotting Garbage Delight
Rin Tin Taffy
Road Kill Potpourri
Sour Shoe Soufflé
Along with five vaping options, a section of the Bark-A-Lounge parking lot has been repurposed as a car-chase course for the dogs who need to shed a few pounds.
“We’ve purchased an old UPS truck which will be driven around a makeshift race track during business hours,” Bloom said. “As a bonus, the driver will be wearing a cat costume. If this doesn’t inspire your pudgy pooch to take off running, nothing will.”
Local radio personality, bon vivant, and champion Cane toad racer Bryan Hanks and his dog Molly Ringwald Hughes Hanks have signed up to be the first Bark-A-Lounge customers on July 5th.
“Dude, they have old dog jokes printed on the napkins in the snack bar,” Hanks said while giving his dog Molly a sip of Perrier at a Bark-A-Lounge open house. “What does a scientist’s dog do with bones? BARIUM!”
Special thanks to graphics genius Richard Clark.