According to incident reports obtained by the Bucklesberry Gazette, an emotional support dog was killed in action on Sunday, April 7.

“It happened at a famous chain restaurant around 6 p.m.,” said Lt. Johnny Sacrimoni of the La Grange Police Department. “Edie Falco, 60, entered the establishment with her emotional support poodle named Shasta.”

Sacrimoni said several customers complained about the dog.

“I love dogs as much as the next person but I don’t want them eating at the table like a person,” said fellow diner Lorraine Bracco. “Anyone who’s ever seen a dog clean itself should recoil at the thought of eating in the same vicinity. The same people who used to throw a fit about second-hand smoke are now slinging bare-dog butt dust all over the salad bar.”

Witnesses say several people did get up and leave when the dog made its presence known.
“I’d been dreaming of a bacon cheeseburger all day,” said Ingrid Newkirk. “After one bite I started hearing this yipping noise coming from the booth behind me. At first, I thought it was someone’s annoying ringtone. Around the three-minute mark, I realized some brain surgeon had brought their dog into the restaurant. It killed my appetite instantly.”

The customers who didn’t leave complained to the manager, a 17-year-old who was having to wait tables and cook due to staffing issues. 

“Our corporate office doesn’t have an official policy related to emotional support animals,” said store manager Carol Vessey. “Until they make a decision, there’s nothing I can do.”

For her part, Falco never waivered in her belief that her dog should be able to sit in the booth and slurp down a chili dog. She was winning the day until the next person with an emotional support animal showed up.

“I’ve always found snakes relaxing,” said Dr. Mike Burton of Bucklesberry. “My python Monty helped me make it through medical school. Monty also helps keep my staff on their toes. Anytime they start to slack off I pretend he’s missing in the office. I also find that having a python curled around my neck keeps the chit-chat to a minimum during medical exams. As a matter of fact, many of my patients claim that they’re cured after only one consultation.”

“When Dr. Burton showed up with his emotional support python, I was initially glad to see a fellow animal lover in the restaurant,” Falco said while fighting back tears. “I was hoping to set up a play date between Monty and my little dog Shasta.”

After Falco and Shasta finished sharing a cone of vanilla ice cream, Falco set her dog on the floor so she could check her text messages.

“Shasta usually yips like a busted lawn sprinkler,” Falco said. “She was yipping and barking like normal, so I turned my attention to checking text messages. Then all of a sudden I noticed that the yips and barks had grown disturbingly faint.”

The tragic event occurred when Monty Python and Shasta the Poodle decided to have an impromptu play date in the restaurant. 

“The two animals were playing in the ice cream freezer,” Manager Vessey said. “Two went in, only one came out.”

When asked for comment, Monty Python’s owner Dr. Mike Burton was at a loss for words.

“What can I say; Monty likes dogs.”

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