Recently imprisoned non-musician Diddy (aka Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, Puff Diddy, P Diddy, Puff Adder, Sean Puffery, Diddy Daddy, Smitty Diddy, Piff Pretzel, and Dolly Pipe Bender) has vowed to continue his streak of creating terrible music while he is incarcerated.

“People lost their minds because they found over a thousand bottles of baby lotion in my house,” Diddy told the Bucklesberry Gazette on Monday. “Even though I’ve made millions of dollars by incoherently mumbling over other people’s songs and selling overpriced, sweatshop clothes for over two decades, I’m still frugal.”

“When I went to Sam’s Club they had a special on baby lotion, so I stocked up. If the Feds were telling the whole truth, you’d know that I also have an attic full of Vienna sausages and a garage filled with sardines. At some point, I figured people would wake up and stop buying my terrible, terrible music, and I was just preparing for that day.”

Even though Diddy, PIddy – whatever his name is this week – has been charged with many heinous crimes, he believes the publicity he’s currently receiving for being in prison will boost his credibility with the dimwitted throngs of people who made him rich in the first place.

As of his second day in prison, Diddy’s new name is Preddy.

“We’ve set up the Bad Boy Records Mobile Recording Studio in Preddy’s cell,” said Paulette Burroughs, Vice President of Preddy’s Bad Boy Records. “Preddy has a lot to say and what looks like plenty of time to record it. We’ve got him everything he needs to make a classic Piddy, Fruiffey or whatever album: a keyboard with two whole notes on it, a bass machine that could void an elephant’s bowels from a hundred yards away, and box sets by The Police and Sting so he’ll have plenty of songs to steal.”

Preddy’s new album is set for release on Dec. 1 and will be his first holiday-themed album. According to Burroughs, the songs deal with Preddy’s current legal battles. 

“Song titles include ‘All I Want For Christmas Is Immunity”, “Don’t Epstein Me For Christmas”, “My Favorite Things That Landed Me In Prison”, “Rockin’ Around The The Gray Bar Hotel”, and “Here Comes Dershowitz”.

Burroughs said reports of Preddy being on a hunger strike were false, while others say he has bigger problems.

“Prison can be tough for the rich and powerful,” said Jared Pullman, Head of Security for the New York City Jail. “I oversaw security for Jeffrey Epstein, and I can assure you nothing went on there that wasn’t supposed to.”

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