Reports coming out of Chapel Hill indicate that UNC Tarheel head basketball coach Hubert Davis will be replaced by UNC head football coach Bill Belichick .

“Under the radar, the university hired Elon Musk to come in and go over the books,” said a member of the Ram’s Club who wished to be identified by his club name, MC Khakilackey. “We’ve got to find some more money for this N.I.L deal. At one point we were going to invest in hens and pay the kids in eggs, but we determined that idea wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.”

Although Musk uncovered upwards of two million dollars in waste on the UNC basketball bench alone, that amount wasn’t enough to attract top-tier players that just a few years ago would have given their pinky fingers to play at Carolina.

“Belichick is a proven winner,” Khakilackey said on Wednesday. “The way basketball is going these days, it’s not much different than football anyway. These guys slam into each other in the paint the same way football players do. A few of the referees have started carrying crime tape with them on the floor.”

While sources say UNC stalwarts such as Roy Williams, Bryan Hanks, and Michael Jordan are vehemently against replacing Davis with Belichick, an impatient fanbase is ready to welcome Bilicheck to the Dean Smith Center.

“Belichick is in his 70s and his wife is a 23-year-old stunner with her own money, so apparently belly = chick”, said Khakilakey “Anyone who can negotiate that deal should have no problem wooing a decent center. If not, we’re going to have to start sending in shooting guards with step ladders taped to their calves. Honest to goodness, this most recent UNC basketball squad was so short they baked cookies in a tree for extra money.”

In other rumor news, Guam Community College is believed to be the next addition to the Atlantic Coast Conference. 

To listen to live and archived broadcasts of The Bryan Hanks Show with Jon Dawson and Jonathan Massey, visit www.BryanHanks.com.

“ACC President Hadley Wilson has also asked Elon Musk about bringing in a team of Martians should SpaceX colonize the Red Planet anytime soon,” said sports pundit Richard Clark on Sunday. “Who knows; it makes as much sense as Notre Dame.”

Jon Dawson’s band Third of Never has released a new single. View the video above or download the track at www.thirdofnever.bandcamp.com.

Jon Dawson’s books are available at www.JonDawson.com

Jon Dawson’s music can be purchased (not stolen) at www.343Collective.com