Jonathan Massey (center) pictured with his house boy Bryan Hanks (left) and poodle groomer Richard Clark (right)/Photo by Maury Correctional

On October 25, a Kinston man will see his childhood dream come true.

“I’ve been a wrestling fan since I was in the womb,” said Jonathan Massey of Kinston. “Back in ’88 mama attended a wrestling match at the livestock arena. It was a very low-rent affair, such that they continued selling livestock during the match. She didn’t like the way her favorite wrestler (Jon “Liver Pudding” Hughes) was being treated, so she jumped in the ring. Ol’ Liver Puddin’ torpedoed my eight-months-pregnant mama in stomach with a folding chair, so whenever I walk by a microwave I quack like a duck void my bladder. 

Massey’s propensity for animalistic outbursts and damp corduroys turned him into a bit of an outcast in school.

“Kids can be cruel, and in the early 1990s it became a felony to discipline them, so the abuse I received was intense,” Massey said. “Due to all the microwaves in the school cafeteria I had to get special permission to eat lunch out back with the people performing court-ordered community service. It was a little awkward at first, but by the time I was 14 I could hotwire a car, hook up illegal cable, and shoplift all the ChapStick I could eat.”

The isolation Massey experienced as a child, mixed with the toxic levels of petroleum and synthetic dyes in his lip balm-heavy diet, led to the creation of what meteorologists refer to as the perfect storm: A male with boundless rage, hopped up on enough chemicals to levitate, and a sense of fashion somewhere between peacock and a hand grenade.

After a chance meeting with Vince McMahon at the 2017 Women’s March, Massey could hear his destiny calling.

“Mr. McMahon said I looked like the hate child of Jimmy Snuka and Chyna,” Massey said. “He told me to buy some spandex and show up at the next round of WWE tryouts in Charlotte. One minute I’m hitting people over the head with chairs at the Waffle House on my lunch break, and the next I’m breaking chairs over people’s heads for a living.”

“Massey had the moves but he needed a stage name,” said WWE stylist Brandon Ruth. “He’s not the most cheerful fellow you’ll ever meet, and is generally in a bad mood. Me and the boys in the lab put our heads together and we came up with a great wrestler name for him: Sulk Hogan.”

Massey will make his professional debut as Sulk Hogan on Thanksgiving Day as part of the WWE’s first annual “No Guts, No Gravy” pay-per-view event. The event will take place at the Bank of America Stadium in Charlotte.

“What’s more American than a bunch of ‘roided up dudes getting all greased up and putting each other in leg locks?” Ruth said. 

Jon Dawson’s books are available at http://www.JonDawson.com.