Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night hungry enough to eat a Buick but too lazy to do anything about it?

For every midnight snacker who has ever stubbed their toe or injured themselves in a Leggo minefield on their way to the icebox, King’s Restaurant in Kinston has just the product for you.

“I can’t tell you how many customers have injured themselves in the middle of the night walking to their kitchens for King’s leftovers,” said King’s president Joe Hargitt. “Local radio host/Golden Girls reenactor Bryan Hanks has lost two toes over the years while answering the midnight call for pork.”

Being the charitable sort, Hargitt held several fundraisers to help defray the costs of Hanks’ toe implants.

“Even with our help Bryan couldn’t afford toe transplants that matched the others on his foot,” Hargitt said. “To save money he ended up with two bald eagle toes, which really ruffled the feathers of the animal rights groups.”

“Scoff if you will,” said Bryan Hanks while brushing his hair with his talons. “But I can go fishing now without a pole or a license.”

To prevent the physical harm of any more of his customers in the name of barbecue, Hargitt developed The Puppy Pillow.

“Our Puppy Pillows are stuffed with mouth-watering King’s hushpuppies,” Hargitt said. “The pillowcase is lined with aluminum foil, so all you have to do is heat it up in the oven before bed.”

Avoid the box store blues with a visit to Blizzard Building Supply at 405 Walston Avenue, Kinston.

Dr. Nick Mason, Director of Sleep Studies at the Floyd Institute in Cambridge, says The Puppy Pillow could be the greatest advancement in conquering insomnia since James Corden was given a television series.

“Turning comfort food into part of the physical mechanism used to achieve r.e.m. sleep removes the barrier between the bed and the kitchen,” Mason said. “All manner of things cause people to wake up in the middle of the night, be it job-induced anxiety or whether or not Joy Behar’s talk show will have enough in the budget for makeup. No matter your worry, these hushpuppy pillows make them go away in a hurry.”

Bannister’s Fine Gifts, located at 106 West Railroad Street in La Grange, reopens on January 4, 2022.

While Hargitt strongly urges people not to bring along the Puppy Pillows on camping trips (bears love them), a local marriage counselor is totally against the breaded headrest.

“Since the Puppy Pillow was introduced a few weeks ago I’ve been flooded with couples in crisis,” said David Gilmour of Bucklesberry Marriage Counseling and Auto Detail. “There’s a trend wherein a spouse will buy one of these pillows for their significant other, only to be caught stealing hushpuppies from them in the wee hours of the morning. Infidelity in 2022 has nothing to do with secret text messages or afternoon trists in the fitting room at Mal-Wart, but rather cornmeal and in some cases whipped butter.”

The shade of controversy has done little to deter sales of the Puppy Pillow.

“We’ve sold out of them four times since they were introduced last month,” Hargitt said. “We didn’t have much luck with our Banana Pudding Mattresses or Coleslaw Body Pillows, but the Puppy Pillows have gone through the roof.”

Hargitt says he plans to set aside a portion of his recent windfall to help Bryan Hanks afford two new (human) toes.

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