A local man is basking in the glow of his recent promotion.

Donald Fagen, 52, of Kinston, has been working for Lowel’s home improvement store for twenty years. He has mastered every section of the store including electrical, plumbing, lumber, and unmentionables.

“He’s been our go-to guy for a long time,” said Fagen’s coworker Walter Becker. “Whenever a customer had a problem, we’d send them to Donald. Whether it be determining the best way to connect copper pipe to PVC pipe or figuring out which type of rat traps were strong enough for cats, ol’ Donnie would know the answer.”

Due to a new corporate policy of cutting costs by eliminating customer service, Donald found himself in a bit of a pickle.

“A few years ago I realized I was an analog man in a digital world,” Fagen said. “I have 10 more years to go before I can even think about retirement, and due to Lowel’s new HTV (Hire The Vapid) initiative, I found myself surrounded by 23-year-olds who couldn’t pour rain out of a boot with instructions on the bottom.”

Fagen grew concerned while attempting to train a recent college graduate how to use a tape measure.

“This guy had more degrees than a thermometer but was flummoxed by my tape measure,” Fagen said. “After a couple of hours he started to get the hang of it. When I let the tape go so it would recoil, the noise it made triggered him and he locked himself in a bathroom. Eventually I was able to coax him out with a Dorito-flavored vape.”

After subjecting the new hire to the noise of a tape measure, Lowel’s corporate office wrote Fagen up for being “acoustically inappropriate”.

With Fagen being one of the last Lowel’s employees with the ability to count to 10 without the use of an app, their district manager decided to promote Fagen to the lofty position of self-checkout manager.

“It’s taking me a while to acclimate to this new job,” Fagen said on Friday. “All I do is stand here and watch people spend 20 minutes trying to self-checkout with a $4 pack of gum.”

Earlier in the day Fagen saw a retired Army veteran kneel in prayer after trying to self-checkout with a pack of AA batteries.

“After waiving the batteries over the scanning glass like Doug Henning for a solid five minutes, the man pulled his service revolver from his coat and emptied an entire clip into a nearby sign that read ‘Customer Service’,” Fagan said. “I would’ve helped him check out, but our training dictates that I just stand there and point to the self-checkout kiosk. If I do anything other than stare into the void, I’ll be fired.”

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