According to early polling numbers, the proposed North Carolina muffler referendum is slated to pass in a landslide.
If passed, the new law would make it illegal to drive a vehicle with a modified muffler. Those found to be in violation would be fined $250.
“I can’t believe this referendum is nearly a reality,” said Barbara Gaines of UNO (the Unnecessary Noise Organisation). “The all-powerful ear plug lobby has been fighting us tooth and nail, but it’s on the ballot and we believe people of all political parties will be in favor of it.”
“This muffler legislation is the biggest waste of time since the seatbelt law,” said Leroy Meineke. “It’s my birthright as an American to aggravate the living hell out of everyone with a noisey muffler. If you hate ear-splitting exhaust noise, you hate freedom.”
Meineke’s love for obnoxious, unnecessary noise goes far beyond his vehicles.
“I installed a glasspack muffler on my lawn mower,” Meineke said. “My committment to being an Olympic-level dunderpate compels me to annoy the general public as much as humanly possible. Why should I stop annoying people just because I’m mowing my lawn?”
“I understand vehicles are going to make some noise” Gaines said. “But when a vehicle driving across a bridge is loud enough to kill fish, I think it’s time to crank it back a little bit.”
Meineke told the Bucklesberry Gazette he believes one of America’s founding fathers would have been in favor of the moronic mufflers he favors.
“In 1781 Benjamin Franklin wrote an essay called Fart Proudly,” Meineke said. “If he loved the sound of a bottom burp, then I’m sure he’d love to rattle the ground with a Pinto poot, or a Mustang air biscuit, or a Cherokee crop duster.”
Gaines says the U.N.O. already has it’s sights set on the next election cycle.
“If this muffler referendum passes we believe it could reflect a sea change in the psyche of the general public,” Gaines said. “Our next mission is to start deporting people who terrorize others with their phones in public.”
“It’s infuriating when a person sits in a public space and blasts a TikTok video of someone giving themself a colonoscopy,” said U.N.O. legal counsel Hamilton Burger. “Or they’ll be carrying on a loud speakerphone conversation with their best friend about the toaster so-and-so’s proctologist found during a checkup. These schnoinkels must be stopped!”
Jon Dawson’s books Making Gravy In Public and Counterfeit Sauerkraut & The Weekend Teeth are available at www.JonDawson.com.
