With gasoline currently costing more per gallon than enriched uranium, consumers are looking for alternative transportation options. To meet that demand, a local businessman believes he’s found a way for people to kick the petroleum habit for good.

“I got tired of having to take out a loan just to drive to my mail box,” said Joe Sutton, 56, of Bucklesberry. “There was a time I could put $5 of joy juice in my tank and go for a couple of days. Now $5 won’t get me past the middle gas pump.”

During his time in the military, Sutton was stationed in the Middle East.

“If we wanted to go into town on the weekend we had to ride camels,” Sutton said. “They’re not the fastest form of transportation, but they are by far the cheapest. Feed them water and a cactus sandwich and they’ll walk to Hawaii.”

After being exited from the Army with an Other Than Honorable Discharge, Sutton worked as a car salesman for two years.

“From 1981 to 1983 I scrapped out a living selling Le Cars in Undershirt, Arkansas,” Sutton said. “After Ralph Nader issued a report proving that line of cars lowered men’s testosterone levels by 82%, Renault stopped making them. I was out of a job and spent the next six months working on a farm that bred toupées for Ernest Angley.”

With a background in vehicle sales and dromedary transit, Sutton decided to open a camel dealership in Kinston.

“Everyday is hump day at Camel Joe’s!” Sutton told a group of potential investors on Wednesday. “The summers are so brutal nowadays before long the interstates will be covered in sand, so why not be ahead of the curve?”

“These Bactrian camels we’ll be selling get 50 miles per hump on the highway and in town,” Sutton said. “We’re making great strides in the cup holder area, but we haven’t figured out the air conditioning situation yet. One of our R&D guys got drunk and tried to plug his phone into an unapproved outlet and was kicked all the way to reno.”

Along with providing economical transportation, Sutton believes camels can serve many purposes.

“These things can double as pets,” Sutton said. “They’re basically a cross between a dog and a giraffe. Also, you can tie your camel in your front yard around Christmas and let it be part of your manger scene. With a live camel in your display, you’ll be the envy of the neighborhood.”

Residents of Lenoir, Greene, and Wayne counties can expect to see flyers announcing Camel Joe’s grand opening in their mailbox beginning next week.

“Jackie Martling from the Howard Stern Show will be the master of cermonies at the grand opening,” Sutton said. “There will be free balloons and Ritalin for the kids, and Martling will be telling classic camel jokes all day. For example: What do you name a camel with no hump? Humphrey!”

Jon Dawson’s books featuring his columns for the Kinston Free Press are available at www.JonDawson.com