If that headline gave you a case of the hysterical fidgets, that was the correct response. Thankfully, it was just a drill.

Somewhere out there, a glad-handing snake oil salesman with an expense account is pointing his fangs at Eastern North Carolina. The land isn’t needed for more Dollar Generals, as they have now become sentient and much like the whiptail lizard, reproduce asexually. There is a rumor that the Kinston Walmart is set to be converted into a vape superstore with a self-serve Kratom bar, but no new locations are pending. So why are these plagues-for-hire in tailored suits eyeing Eastern North Carolina? They’re scouting locations for data centers.

Data centers are in high demand because of AI. When it was a tasty steak sauce I was all for it, but now artificial intelligence has turned every mammal with an opposable thumb into what George Carlin referred to as a “redundant bag of protoplasm”.

I’ll admit that the first few weeks of AI were mildly entertaining. You want to create a video of a 1-year-old talking like Redd Foxx? No problem. How about a shark jumping out of the ocean to take a bite out of a commercial airliner? Piece of cake. You want a clip of Piers Morgan not coming off like an eel in a suit? Well, there’s some things even AI can’t conjure.

On certain levels I understand the appeal of AI. The economy is so bad eBay now has a category for used soup. Meth addicts are now mixing in expired Skittles with their drugs to stretch their narcotic dollar. At some restaurant drive-thru stations, customer orders are now taken by an AI representative. Of course the humans inside the restaurant still put the fries in the bag upside down and give you a diet Tab instead of the Starry you asked for, but we’ll get to that later this month.

AI isn’t going away, and in fact it’s reproducing like Gremlins in a swimming pool after midnight. To feed this new electronic kudzu that is slowly strangling our collective creativity, ingenuity, and originality, tech companies have to build data centers. And with data centers come all sorts of horrors that would run Stephen King up a tree.

If you don’t believe me, I asked Google AI to tell me about the dangers of data centers. Here’s what it said:

Massive water consumption: Large data centers can consume up to 5 million gallons of water daily for hardware cooling, equivalent to the usage of a town of 50,000 residents.

Grid overloading: Data centers consume vast amounts of electricity, thus straining local power grids.

Air pollution: Data centers rely on heavy industrial diesel generators for backup power. When operated, they emit hazardous pollutants which are directly linked to cardiovascular conditions and respiratory illnesses like asthma.

Chronic noise pollution: The continuous hum of server fans, HVAC systems, and heavy cooling machinery routinely exceeds 85 to 90 decibels. Nearby residents report sleep disturbances, chronic stress, migraines, and cognitive development risks in children.

Skyrocketing utility costs: Because data centers aggressively drain the local power supply, utility companies must invest in expensive infrastructure upgrades. These costs are frequently passed down to local residential consumers through higher electric bills.

To reiterate, that list of data center dangers was actually generated by AI. That means that somewhere out where the buses don’t run, a data center facilitated the generation of a list of things to warn us about itself.

Many communities across the country have blocked the construction of data centers, which has led to the creation of North Carolina Connects, an offshoot of America Connects. According to NC Newsline and The Oregon Capitol Chronicle, the campaign is linked to the Data Center Coalition, a group that represents Google, Microsoft, and Meta. North Carolina Connects is part of a multi-state media campaign designed to combat local resistance to new data center construction.

FCC data shows that North Carolina Connects has poured upwards of $400,000 into TV, radio, and billboard ads in a single month. The commercials feature soothing female voices speaking over soothing music while soothing footage of rural landscapes, neighborhoods, construction workers, and smiling families flows across the screen. A rumored deleted scene showing the smiling family fly into a blind rage when the new data center causes their utility bill to skyrocket was briefly posted on YouTube but quickly deleted.

The North Carolina Connects Website shovels the idea that data centers “support daily applications like healthcare, public safety, online learning, and connecting families”. This is conjecture on my part, but I think it’s a safe bet that none of the CEOs of the companies pushing for these abominations live within 20 miles of one.

This isn’t a Democrat vs. Republican issue, and I beg of you not to let it become one. No matter your party affiliation, let your county commissioners and your representatives know that you don’t want these abominations in your community.

Jon Dawson’s books containing his columns for the Kinston Free Press are available at Amazon.